Sabbath Gleanings

Jotting down my thoughts and insights on this restful Sabbath day................

Last evening I attended Jewish Prayer at "The Synagogue by the Sea". As I walked over to the Naval Building, I noticed a paddleboarder on the Lake. It was a perfect Autumn afternoon for a peaceful trek across the still waters. I hope I get to do this again myself. I don't know why Dave has not been back in several weeks. It just has not worked out for one reason or another for me (or him) to get back on the board.

I met Chad yesterday at run class. He has a paddleboard and participated in the Lake Max Challenge in June. I think Dave would like him. Maybe they will paddleboard together sometime. Chad's wife is a riding instructor, and I hope to talk more with her in coming days.

I've been feeling very fatigued for weeks. I'm beginning to think it might be West Nile. Maybe I'll get a blood test. I can do my job, but suddenly I'll be totally zapped of energy. So I've been leaving an hour early most days. I haven't been running or even walking much and am already losing ground on my goals for the year. I may need to revise them to more realistic levels.

But yesterday was a good day. My energy held out enough to make it to Prayer Service. Disappointingly though, Josh, the leader of the service, who sings and plays guitar, was sick himself and couldn't make it. My Jewish dorm girl, who is Prefect, stepped up to the plate and led the Service and did a fine job. It's nice to have a Siddur to give framework to worship. Since we had no music, we did not sing L'cha Dodi, but read the words in English. I was so looking forward to joining in on that song, having learned the Hebrew with a music download and my own siddur at home.

I was impressed with some of the Jewish boys chanting the prayers with "kavanah" if that is the right word. I have lots to learn about Jewish religiosity, but there is much I like about it so far. It's one thing to have heard about it from others, read about it, etc., but experiencing it, even in this modified, abbreviated School setting, is enlightening.

We had to use "Hawaiian bread" for HaMotzi, since Josh was not there to bring Challah. The Manischewitz was there for the blessing of the wine, and the sip made me feel very relaxed. My agreement with the LORD is not to go beyond this ritual for six months and not to bring any into my home, lest it be a temptation in a weak moment. It is conceivable that after passing this test of temperance that maybe this ritual wine use could be continued at home. If it would be a stumbling block for Pat (or me) it won't happen. Admittedly, I am somewhat influenced these days by Messianics who see nothing wrong with the temperate use of wine. Wine was not my downfall in the past; it was beer. Still, a fence needs to be erected at a safe distance from the edge of a cliff.

I am not sure what I will do as far as attendance at Jewish Prayer Service from here on, though. I barely made it home before sunset this time.........a very nice drive along the scenic country roads with almost peak foliage, the setting sun in the west; an almost full moon directly east. I will need to pray about the driving prohibition and if the LORD would have me continue with it. I wonder what they do about lighting candles when the service starts after sunset?

When I left the service, the Culver band was marching over to the football stadium playing the familiar marching tune that I enjoy. I'm glad I got to see and hear it, but no football game for me on Erev Shabbat.

I arrived home, chatted with Pat about my experiences, had some milk and cookies, and went to bed, sleeping well.

This morning I read Proverbs 13, as that is where I am in reading through the Koren Jerusalem Bible this year. It is the 13th of Tishri........and so the idea came to mind that maybe I should read the corresponding Proverbs chapter every day of the Hebrew month. There is so much food for thought in each chapter of Proverbs that one chapter needs to be digested and not read over quickly in order to read a few chapters of the Bible each morning. So I'll try this, and move to to the Book of Job tomorrow, as well as my readings in the Book of Acts.

Gleanings from Proverbs chapter 13:

Is a skeptic a scorner? (Will research this word later on)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick (heartache), but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. -- Proverbs 13:12

I noticed daisies in the crannied wall the other day....near the "To everything there is a season" park bench.

"The way of the faithless is rough."

"A desire subdued is sweet to the soul."

"He that walks with wise men shall be wise."

I love the clarity of these Scriptures. They say what they mean, and mean what they say. Words mean things. People should use them wisely and with clarity when they speak/write to one another. Vague, cryptic comments invite misunderstanding....or perhaps the intended understanding is meant to be imparted via osmosis? Hit and run harangues inhibit conversation. Back and forth discourse promotes friendly relationships and enlightens both parties, even when they disagree. How I miss that!

I forgave my adversaries on Yom Kippur, even though neither has apologized. I am open to reconciliation whenever they are ready to communicate. Until then, I will respect their stated wishes.

The Eclectic Heretic Update

I consider myself one of the "Outcasts of Israel" as I wander in the wilderness of Diaspora, not fitting in to any religious group's doctrines and theology. Gleaning from many sources, predominantly Judaism of late, I seek "maskil":

Maskil: enlightenment; derives from the Hebrew root word meaning to have insight, to ponder, and wisely understand.

On Shabbat (9/22) I read Psalm 142 and wondered about this obscure word, maskil, which appears in the heading of 11 psalms (32, 42, 44, 45, 52, 55, 74, 78, 88, 89, 142).

"I have no friend" is the essence of the psalm and the essence of my present predicament.

Where do I go from here? I am at another juncture in my spiritual life.

Non-coincidentally, today happens to be "Tandi Memorial Day"......the day I remember losing my "best friend," an Appaloosa gelding named Tandi, who devastatingly departed from me in 1964 (see my original post on this blog, "I Remember Tandi").

There was a song popular at the time called "A Summer Song" that reminded me of Tandi. It's words come back to me today:

They say that all good things must end someday, Autumn leaves must fall; but don't you know, that it hurts me so, to say goodbye to you; Wish you didn't have to go.....

Multiple levels of meaning to many moments of my life.....

So back to isolation for the most part....maybe a good thing. Maybe I can write, study, learn without distraction. Yet, without the impetus of "iron sharpening iron" through discussion and discourse, it is difficult to stay motivated.

I have missed the last three Erev Shabbat services at Culver. I battle fatigue, depression, and feeling "sick" these days. Not sure how much grief has to do with it, but it probably plays a part. I hope to attend this coming Friday evening. I bought my own copy of the Gates of Prayer Siddur so I could learn the liturgy and understand it. I especially love the L'cha Dodi song, welcoming Shabbat. There are so many different versions of it as I searched online, but I enjoy the version we sing. I was able to download the tune, by Zalman Goldstein, although the words are slightly different. Our version is abbreviated. I found nothing objectionable in the lyrics we sing. English translation:

Beloved, come to meet the bride; beloved, come to greet Shabbat. Keep and Remember: a single command the Only God caused us to hear; the Eternal is One, God's name is One, for honor and glory and praise. Beloved....Come with me to meet Shabbat, forever a fountain of blessing. Still it flows, as from the start: the last of days, for which the first was made. Beloved....Awake, awake, your light has come! Arise, shine, awake and sing; the Eternal's glory dawns upon you. Beloved....Enter in peace, O crown of your husband; enter in gladness, enter in joy. Come to the people that keeps its faith. Enter, O bride! Enter, O bride! Beloved.....

I participated in the Hamotzi and Kiddush ritual on August 31......and for the first time in many, many years, tasted wine....the small amount everyone received, students included. It was Manischewitz. I had prayed about this and discussed it with Pat beforehand. The holy use of ritual wine in non-toxicating amounts was a line I could cross safely.

The egalitarian Conservative synagogue the cantor is from permits women to wear kippahs. I'm thinking of donning one. I like the symbolic meaning attached and agree that it is not gender specific, only culturally/traditionally so in Orthodox thinking.

I am reading through the Koren Jerusalem Bible this year, and utilizing the Stone Tanach for Torah readings. I like being on the same schedule as "Greater Israel".

Today I joined with Jews worldwide in simultaneous prayer for the coming of the Mashiach. May Yeshua, the Messiah of Israel, be known to my brethren as their hearts cry out for redemption!

Concerning the study of the Sacred Scriptures, let us heed the words of Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch:

The Tanach should be studied as the foundation of a new science. Let us look at nature as King David did. Let us listen to the march of history with the intent ear of the prophet Isaiah. And with eyes thus opened and ears thus attuned, let us draw from Tanach our lessons about God, the world, mankind....The books of Tanach should become the source of instruction for life, and [people] should learn to hear their message throughout their lives. Their eyes should be opened to see the world surrounding them as God's world, and themselves as God's servants in His world; their ears should be opened to perceive history as a process of educating all mankind toward the service of God.

"Let us read with our eyes and listen with our souls. And let our lives be transformed to what God intended them to be." -- Rabbi Nosson Scherman

This is the essence of Maskil.

From Kol Tuv to Get Lost: My Strange Journey in Messianic Friendship and Fellowship

This is Day 7 of "sitting shiva" for a dead friendship. I don't feel any better, so I'm attempting "writing therapy." Maybe I need to share my thoughts, with myself if no one else.

A dead friendship is worse than losing a loved one through death. I have fond memories of those I have lost through death. And hopes of someday being reunited. But a dead friendship is more grievous and harder to get over. The former friend is still living, still being a friend to others.........but no longer to me. I have lost hope for reunification. Anything is possible, but after several gut-wrenching episodes of "death of a vision" over the course of the past five years, the final nail in the coffin seems to have been hammered in with blunt force. "Get lost" still rings in my ears, along with worse words I try in vain to erase from my memory.

How did it come to this? I cannot comprehend it. I cannot sort out the tangled mess. Why does he hate me? We used to be so close. Why would differences of opinion ruin a relationship?

This is not the first instance of rejection by religious people in recent years, just the most painful, because the bond was so strong, long lasting, emotionally and spiritually intense and vital, ...and the end so unexpected.

I was banned from a Messianic forum after spending hundreds of dollars to be a member of "the club" for a number of years. That hurt. Subsequently, a controversial topic I posted about became the final straw in the closing down of another beloved forum. That hurt even more. I was devastated, as TR had become my lifeline. Members had warned me that "forum friends" were not "real" friends and I should not get too attached to the people I was dialoguing with. But they were real to me, very real. I needed these "friends" in my lonely, isolated world. I had no "real" friends at the time, nor fellowship opportunities.

Eventually I did discover a somewhat local fellowship opportunity. It was through facebook that we connected a couple of years ago. I thought I had found "the swan pond" I was searching for. It was wonderful for awhile, but differences became apparent as time went on, the drive was a long one, and communication difficulties arose. Issues could not be resolved because discussions via email or other written forms of communication were discouraged and/or misunderstood. It almost seemed like I had to "pay to play"....put $30 of gas in the tank, drive three hours on Sabbath, and feel uncomfortable about speaking up in front of everyone about something that would be taken as criticism. I felt more and more alienated from the direction the group was heading. I wanted to remain "a friend from afar" and abide by my personal convictions (which by now included not driving on Sabbath) but not showing up for the head count was increasingly resented. Being a facebook friend was not an acceptable alternative and a few days ago I was faced with imminent "defriending". More rejection.

There must be something wrong with me that elicits such strong repulsion when I express my views. I must be oblivious to my insensitivity and offensiveness. Yet relationships at work seem to be going well. Culver is now my lifeline.....a place of acceptance and appreciation for diversity. "Exclude.....we don't do that here" is our motto. I have been welcomed to participate in the Jewish Prayer Service on Friday evenings.....and I loved my first experience with it. The Hebrew singing sounded heavenly, with Asian student voices mingled in with the ethnically/culturally Jewish. Leading the service is a capable young guitar-playing Conservative cantor from South Bend. HaMotzi and Kiddush brought insight into Yeshua's words, "this do in remembrance of Me", all of us partaking of the one bread and the wine. I enjoyed praying with a Hebrew/English Siddur. I wondered if this concept was borrowed by the Catholic Church, as it reminded me of the Latin/English Missal I used to use at Mass. I plan to attend again next week...and often. My Jewish dorm girls and their moms have been very encouraging to me. Maybe this is where I belong for a season. Maybe this is "the swan pond". I did see the two swans on the lake, seemingly directing my path. Everyone says it was very unusual to see swans on this lake. It even made the local newspaper. There they were, one day only....in front of the "Synagogue on the Sea" (aka Naval Building)

Will I eventually experience rejection once again if I make my views known or fail to meet expectations? For now, I have a glimmer of hope in my heart.