I am embracing isolation, for I am not alone...........and I like it. It suits me. It is my calling for the time present. I have a Friend that sticks closer than a brother, who leads me, who will not forsake me, who never disappoints.
I have had many disappointments lately. Many bubbles have been burst. People are things that hurt. I feel abandoned by those I counted my friends.
My latest disappointment came yesterday when I discovered the fb page of the Cantor of the "Synagogue by the Sea." Openly "in a relationship" with a secular non-Jew who is also non-female, shock and dismay was my reaction. Am I homophobic? Somehow I don't think I'll be back. Maybe this explains my reticence about attending the past couple of weeks, even more than fatigue or the question of arriving home after sunset. This "no driving" application of "kindle no fire on Shabbat" has saved me from some perilous situations over the past few months. I'm glad I experienced a Jewish prayer service and got to hear L'cha Dodi, but now that I have a siddur, maybe I should just do this at home....alone.
Apparently there is no current religious group or affiliation that is a match for me.
I find I have less and less I want to say to anyone. Messianic forums/blogs don't stimulate me to post or even read much. Same old tired arguments mostly. No progress is ever made in convincing anyone else to take a different point of view. Newbies think they know it all, teachers are all trying to draw disciples/supporters after their particular penchant, and the rest of us are caught in the frustrating middle, banging our heads against a wall, or giving up.
I have been called "fickle" because I flit from one teacher/teaching/group/perspective to another. Well, I'm trying to glean some nectar where I can find it to keep me spiritually alive! When I encounter error, apostasy, annoyance, hostility, or just plain boredom, I move on.
I am doing pretty well in getting over my obsession with my former "dearest friend" (or so I thought). I have had to unsubscribe from news feeds and discipline myself to stay away from blogs, fb pages, etc. Still, barely an hour goes by that he doesn't come to mind, or appear in dreams when I'm asleep. I don't know what to make of any of it. It has shaken my confidence in "hearing from God" and shattered my illusions. I think I may have invented a make-believe friend that did not match reality. I miss that friend. I miss having a pen pal, someone to share my experiences with, someone to match wits with, someone to discuss the Bible with, someone to tell my thoughts to who actually seemed interested. I lived in a bubble for 6 years.......that finally burst about 6 weeks ago. Hopefully it will get easier as the hurt fades.
I need to make good use of this season of solitude. There are so many tasks that need to be accomplished here on the home front. The house is still a disaster. I can't stand living this way. I clean all day at work; why can't I clean at home? It's the clutter. I still don't know what to do with the clutter. It's also the fatigue. I have only so many hours in the day before I "crash" and can do no more. Is this normal for someone my age? Is a 12 hour day all I can expect? I hardly ever make it to sunset, although now that it gets dark earlier and earlier, I can make it to nightfall. Once in a while I have a good amount of energy but I have no idea why one day is better than another. At least once a week I have what I call a "detox" day where I feel very lethargic and blah. Usually the following day is a productive one.
I still enjoy my job, but the bubbles are bursting there a bit as well. I am a little bit scared that I might someday become bored or dislike my position and quit. Then what? I seem to be at a crossroads in life once again. Where do I go from here?
