Running Away From Old Age (Part One)

They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. -- Isaiah 40:31

My blog. My poor, neglected blog. It has been many months, almost a year, since I have sat down to write my thoughts and log my life journey. So much has changed, so many updates to make note of, so much catching up to do. Where do I begin? There is something going on in my life right now that I need to sort out. My thoughts are swirling in my head. It seems as if I am living in a dream or a storybook. My life is blessed abundantly, and I need to give thanks.

Speaking of storybooks, I remember a vacation spot from my childhood in the White Mountains of New Hampshire called Story Land. In October, I have the opportunity to hike in its environs, to stand on a mountaintop, taking in magnificent views in the peak of fall foliage season, with my daughter......and with Tom and Atticus, celebrities. This is mind boggling to say the least. Denise and I were planning a fall foliage trip to New Hampshire, a trek I wasn't sure I could manage due to my timidity, what ifs, and fears, not to mention health concerns with chronic fatigue, etc. Of course, I wanted to go very badly, but I don't drive by myself long distance, I don't take airplanes, I don't do anything beyond a 60 mile radius these days. My comfort zone is Culver, and I have been quite content to enjoy everything there is to enjoy at my nearby paradise.

And enjoy is what I've been doing. So busy enjoying life that I have not had time to write. I've been running with Dana Neer's Run Class. I've been paddleboarding with my son on lovely Lake Maxinkuckee, I've been learning to swim again, thanks to Sandi, my triathlon coach. I've been rowing with Guy Weaser's Row Class (and hoping to one day row in a crew boat (skull). Life is good, and I am happy. I am still enjoying my job taking care of my girls in Linden/Ithaca/Deck 6 dorm.

Peter is back in my life after a months long hiatus last fall. That is a story in itself. Another incredible turn of events and perspective. I still don't know quite what to make of the whole relationship/friendship, and it is not like it used to be, but it is on a pretty good track for now. We are both too busy to communicate as much as we used to, but it is a comfort to have someone to share things with on occasion. He will always be a "significant other" in my life. Platonic friendships are a good thing. Having a friend is a great blessing in life.

I have "real life" friends now. Maybe not close friends, but friends that I enjoy being around. Most of them are associated with Culver. I feel as if Culver is my community, and I am an integral part of this wonderful community. I still feel blessed to be there and treasure my job, even when it is hard and exhausting sometimes. Most days it just feels like I'm going to my second home and "playing house" all day. I don't mind the housekeeping chores; having 90 or so "daughters" is a little much sometimes, but I enjoy watching them go off to class and sports activities and equestrian events.....such as practicing for the Presidential Inaugural Parade. I accompanied them through town in the pouring rain last winter, totally enjoying myself and remembering how I felt when people watched me ride when I was their age. The kids are such an inspiration to me. I live on inspiration. And I find plenty of inspiration associated with Culver Academies. I feel like a kid again myself. I watch them play, and I want to play. If they can row in crew, why can't I? If they can run, why can't I? Just because I'm 64, do I have to be old? No! I'm running away from old age! I hope to stay active and get more fit and enjoy my "sunset years" as they are sometimes called. I recently found a blurb online about Cora Snow, my riding instructor from Blue Hill Riding Academy days. She was still riding on trail rides in her 90's!

"How did I get so old?" I remember Uncle Leo used that expression. In his mind, he was still young. Bodies age, but we are still who we are. I tend to think of myself as perpetually 14. Fourteen forever! That was probably my favorite year. I enjoyed Junior High, I enjoyed Tandi, my favorite horse and special friend. Life was good. This year is the 50th anniversary of my best year. Jubilee!

Speaking of Uncle Leo, I look forward to returning to Mashpee, MA for a nostalgic visit in October, on a side excursion on my way to New Hampshire. My sister Joanne called me recently....another blessing, as I hardly ever hear from her. She and her husband just bought a house on the other side of John's Pond, where as children we used to wander around looking for frogs. I vaguely remember that...only I don't think I was catching frogs. I was daydreaming about riding a pony there....and there was one kid who had one. I was so jealous. But my make believe ponies and horses were very real to me, and I was usually riding them when other kids were looking for frogs, etc.

This jumbled memoir is a start in returning to writing, and it is due to the influence of Tom Ryan and his memoir, Following Atticus, that I resume this passion. I thoroughly enjoyed reading his book, reminiscent a bit of Thoreau. It is inspirational, in ways I need to try to express in my next installment, along with an update concerning my reconsidered spiritual life. I can't believe I'm going to meet a famous writer and "a little dog of some distinction" and hike with them in the mountains during peak foliage season (along with 20 others chosen for the Gratitude Hike). I can't believe I'm actually going on a road trip by myself to get there. But this is where the LORD is leading me in His Divine Providence. I am grateful to my daughter, Denise, whose Grace-filled courageous and positive attitude towards the personal challenges in her life is rubbing off on me (an attitude that has made quite an impression on Tom as well). I am looking forward to our adventurous mother/daughter time together in October.

Onward, by all means!

I Love the LORD......

I love the LORD because He hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because He hath inclined His ear unto me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live...." -- Psalm 116

This is my favorite "life verse" since my born again experience more than 30 years ago. At the time I called upon "God" I did not know who He was, if He was, or what Name He was called. Yet He heard my pathetic plea for help and reached out to me right where I was. (See "My Testimony" July 2007). Since then I have transitioned from a Roman Catholic concept of Jesus to a more Biblical concept of Jesus to a more Hebraic concept of Yeshua to my current understanding that Yeshua is YHVH in the flesh, my Saviour, Redeemer, Friend.

Fast forward to today, and concepts of who He is and what His Name is will vary amongst sincere believers, and there will be strong opinions about pronunciations, taking the Name in vain, pagan antecedents, etc.

Some say we should not call Him "Lord" because it is like calling Him "Baal". But the Hebrew word "Adonai" means Lord. Should we not use Adonai in addressing Him? I see nothing wrong with titles and circumlocutions and the various ways of addressing Him that people are comfortable with (Lord, Heavenly Father, HaShem, etc). I generally am most comfortable with calling Him LORD (all caps) which is a circumlocution for YHVH, the Tetragrammaton that elicits disagreements about pronunciation, or IF it should be pronounced.

When it comes to pronunciation, I favor Yehovah. Others insist on YaHUwah, or Yahweh, or other variations. Well meaning believers become highly opinionated about this, and cringe when hearing the Name pronounced incorrectly in their view, or pronounced at all. It becomes divisive in some circles, or at least uncomfortable when congregations don't agree and are of different mindsets. That's where a peaceful compromise could be the acceptance of a circumlocution such as Avinu Malcheinu (Our Father, Our King) avoiding the controversy altogether for the sake of harmony. Yeshua Himself taught us to pray to Avinu Shebashamayim (Our Father in Heaven).

While Nehemia Gordon and Keith Johnson have some good information on the Name issue, they are not the only ones I have consulted in coming to the conclusion that Yehovah is closer to correct, rather than Yahweh (the majority opinion). Jewish Messianic believer Asher Intrater offers these insights:

The root of the name YHVH in Hebrew means "to be." the letter V may well have been pronounced more like the sound W in ancient times. However, between the V or W pronunciation there is no difference in meaning, and therefore virtually no significance, in my opinion.

Biblical Hebrew was written only in consonants, as we see in the letters YHVH. Therefore the main question of pronunciation concerns which vowel (points) to add to the consonants. The vowels can make a difference in the meaning. If we add the vowels -- "e" -- "o" -- "a" -- to the consonants, we receive the name YeHoVah.

In this format, the "e" (sh'va) stands for the future tense, the "o" (holom) for the present tense, and the "a" (patach) refers to the past tense. That gives meaning to the name YeHoVah as "He will be, He is, He was." In other words, the Eternal One. This meaning fits the understanding of the early patriarchs.

Many scholars choose the pronunciation, YaHWeH, as representing the "causative" form in the Hebrew, meaning "he who caused existence." This is a possibility. However, there are other grammatical reasons that make YeHoVaH preferable in my view.

Hebrew vowels change form depending on the number of syllables, and on where the syllables are located in the name. If there is just one syllable, such as Yah, then the "a" vowel is correct. Or if the letters come at the end of the word, such as Eliyah (Elijah), then the "a" is also correct. Yet, when the vowel comes at the beginning with multiple syllables, it changes. This can easily be proved by checking a concordance of the Bible.

Such names as Yehoyachin or Yehoshua or Yehoyada or Yehoshaphat contain the same root letters as YHVH, in the same syllable arrangement. All of the names in this pattern display the vowels as "e" -- "o" -- "a". If that same pattern is placed in the letters YHVH, we see the name again as Yehovah. There is not one example in the Hebrew Scriptures of a three syllable name containing the root YHVH that does not use the vowel pattern of "e" -- "o" -- "a".

Since EVERY example of the YHVH root used in biblical names in this pattern shows the vowels as "e" -- "o" -- "a" one would have to show some other overwhelming evidence, textually or grammatically, to choose a different pronunciation. There is no such other overwhelming documentation weighty enough to refute the biblical and grammatical evidence.

In summary, 1) the meaning of the vowels, 2) the grammatical form and 3) the list of biblical examples, all point to Yehovah (or Yehowah) as the preferred pronunciation over Yahweh.

-- Appendix 3 of "Who Ate Lunch with Abraham" p. 150-151

I have often wondered if "Jesus Christ is YHVH" is the test in 1 John 4:2,3 and 2 John 1:7 and if these verses were purposely altered or obscured in times past. I also wonder if a Hebrew version of "Jesus is Lord" in 1 Cor. 12:3 (were one to be found) would say "Yeshua is YHVH". The Greek word for Lord (Kyrios) is used for YHVH in the Septuagint. Christian doctrine evolved into a dichotomy between Jesus and the "Old Testament YHVH" as if they are not one and the same Being. It is a divine mystery that is over our heads to understand how one Being can manifest in different forms, but I like to use the imperfect analogy of Clark Kent and Superman, a story originally developed by two Jewish teenagers, to try to get some kind of limited grasp on the concept. The Roman Catholic Trinity doctrine is a man-made explanation, as are other theological constructs over the centuries. It is not necessary to adhere to a man-made theological definition to believe that God is triune yet One Being. Since the Scriptures themselves clearly indicate triunity, it makes sense to me that His Divine Name would be a tri-syllable Name, rather then two syllables. Hebrew grammar teaches that 4 consonants demand 3 vowels. Four consonants plus three vowels add up to seven, a number associated with Perfection/Completion in Scripture.

For these reasons, and more, I believe the Name of God to be Yehovah, yet I will continue to refer to Him by the circumlocution LORD in general conversation for fear of "taking the Name of YHVH in vain." In my prayer time, or in hearing a blessing pronounced, I believe YeHoVah is appropriate to be expressed. Others may differ with me concerning the Divine Name, but I wanted to share my view. I also would recommend the book I am currently reading, "Who Ate Lunch with Abraham" by Asher Intrater for some interesting insights into the appearances of God as a Man throughout Scripture.

Embracing Isolation

I am embracing isolation, for I am not alone...........and I like it. It suits me. It is my calling for the time present. I have a Friend that sticks closer than a brother, who leads me, who will not forsake me, who never disappoints.

I have had many disappointments lately. Many bubbles have been burst. People are things that hurt. I feel abandoned by those I counted my friends.

My latest disappointment came yesterday when I discovered the fb page of the Cantor of the "Synagogue by the Sea." Openly "in a relationship" with a secular non-Jew who is also non-female, shock and dismay was my reaction. Am I homophobic? Somehow I don't think I'll be back. Maybe this explains my reticence about attending the past couple of weeks, even more than fatigue or the question of arriving home after sunset. This "no driving" application of "kindle no fire on Shabbat" has saved me from some perilous situations over the past few months. I'm glad I experienced a Jewish prayer service and got to hear L'cha Dodi, but now that I have a siddur, maybe I should just do this at home....alone.

Apparently there is no current religious group or affiliation that is a match for me.

I find I have less and less I want to say to anyone. Messianic forums/blogs don't stimulate me to post or even read much. Same old tired arguments mostly. No progress is ever made in convincing anyone else to take a different point of view. Newbies think they know it all, teachers are all trying to draw disciples/supporters after their particular penchant, and the rest of us are caught in the frustrating middle, banging our heads against a wall, or giving up.

I have been called "fickle" because I flit from one teacher/teaching/group/perspective to another. Well, I'm trying to glean some nectar where I can find it to keep me spiritually alive! When I encounter error, apostasy, annoyance, hostility, or just plain boredom, I move on.

I am doing pretty well in getting over my obsession with my former "dearest friend" (or so I thought). I have had to unsubscribe from news feeds and discipline myself to stay away from blogs, fb pages, etc. Still, barely an hour goes by that he doesn't come to mind, or appear in dreams when I'm asleep. I don't know what to make of any of it. It has shaken my confidence in "hearing from God" and shattered my illusions. I think I may have invented a make-believe friend that did not match reality. I miss that friend. I miss having a pen pal, someone to share my experiences with, someone to match wits with, someone to discuss the Bible with, someone to tell my thoughts to who actually seemed interested. I lived in a bubble for 6 years.......that finally burst about 6 weeks ago. Hopefully it will get easier as the hurt fades.

I need to make good use of this season of solitude. There are so many tasks that need to be accomplished here on the home front. The house is still a disaster. I can't stand living this way. I clean all day at work; why can't I clean at home? It's the clutter. I still don't know what to do with the clutter. It's also the fatigue. I have only so many hours in the day before I "crash" and can do no more. Is this normal for someone my age? Is a 12 hour day all I can expect? I hardly ever make it to sunset, although now that it gets dark earlier and earlier, I can make it to nightfall. Once in a while I have a good amount of energy but I have no idea why one day is better than another. At least once a week I have what I call a "detox" day where I feel very lethargic and blah. Usually the following day is a productive one.

I still enjoy my job, but the bubbles are bursting there a bit as well. I am a little bit scared that I might someday become bored or dislike my position and quit. Then what? I seem to be at a crossroads in life once again. Where do I go from here?

Sabbath Gleanings

Jotting down my thoughts and insights on this restful Sabbath day................

Last evening I attended Jewish Prayer at "The Synagogue by the Sea". As I walked over to the Naval Building, I noticed a paddleboarder on the Lake. It was a perfect Autumn afternoon for a peaceful trek across the still waters. I hope I get to do this again myself. I don't know why Dave has not been back in several weeks. It just has not worked out for one reason or another for me (or him) to get back on the board.

I met Chad yesterday at run class. He has a paddleboard and participated in the Lake Max Challenge in June. I think Dave would like him. Maybe they will paddleboard together sometime. Chad's wife is a riding instructor, and I hope to talk more with her in coming days.

I've been feeling very fatigued for weeks. I'm beginning to think it might be West Nile. Maybe I'll get a blood test. I can do my job, but suddenly I'll be totally zapped of energy. So I've been leaving an hour early most days. I haven't been running or even walking much and am already losing ground on my goals for the year. I may need to revise them to more realistic levels.

But yesterday was a good day. My energy held out enough to make it to Prayer Service. Disappointingly though, Josh, the leader of the service, who sings and plays guitar, was sick himself and couldn't make it. My Jewish dorm girl, who is Prefect, stepped up to the plate and led the Service and did a fine job. It's nice to have a Siddur to give framework to worship. Since we had no music, we did not sing L'cha Dodi, but read the words in English. I was so looking forward to joining in on that song, having learned the Hebrew with a music download and my own siddur at home.

I was impressed with some of the Jewish boys chanting the prayers with "kavanah" if that is the right word. I have lots to learn about Jewish religiosity, but there is much I like about it so far. It's one thing to have heard about it from others, read about it, etc., but experiencing it, even in this modified, abbreviated School setting, is enlightening.

We had to use "Hawaiian bread" for HaMotzi, since Josh was not there to bring Challah. The Manischewitz was there for the blessing of the wine, and the sip made me feel very relaxed. My agreement with the LORD is not to go beyond this ritual for six months and not to bring any into my home, lest it be a temptation in a weak moment. It is conceivable that after passing this test of temperance that maybe this ritual wine use could be continued at home. If it would be a stumbling block for Pat (or me) it won't happen. Admittedly, I am somewhat influenced these days by Messianics who see nothing wrong with the temperate use of wine. Wine was not my downfall in the past; it was beer. Still, a fence needs to be erected at a safe distance from the edge of a cliff.

I am not sure what I will do as far as attendance at Jewish Prayer Service from here on, though. I barely made it home before sunset this time.........a very nice drive along the scenic country roads with almost peak foliage, the setting sun in the west; an almost full moon directly east. I will need to pray about the driving prohibition and if the LORD would have me continue with it. I wonder what they do about lighting candles when the service starts after sunset?

When I left the service, the Culver band was marching over to the football stadium playing the familiar marching tune that I enjoy. I'm glad I got to see and hear it, but no football game for me on Erev Shabbat.

I arrived home, chatted with Pat about my experiences, had some milk and cookies, and went to bed, sleeping well.

This morning I read Proverbs 13, as that is where I am in reading through the Koren Jerusalem Bible this year. It is the 13th of Tishri........and so the idea came to mind that maybe I should read the corresponding Proverbs chapter every day of the Hebrew month. There is so much food for thought in each chapter of Proverbs that one chapter needs to be digested and not read over quickly in order to read a few chapters of the Bible each morning. So I'll try this, and move to to the Book of Job tomorrow, as well as my readings in the Book of Acts.

Gleanings from Proverbs chapter 13:

Is a skeptic a scorner? (Will research this word later on)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick (heartache), but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. -- Proverbs 13:12

I noticed daisies in the crannied wall the other day....near the "To everything there is a season" park bench.

"The way of the faithless is rough."

"A desire subdued is sweet to the soul."

"He that walks with wise men shall be wise."

I love the clarity of these Scriptures. They say what they mean, and mean what they say. Words mean things. People should use them wisely and with clarity when they speak/write to one another. Vague, cryptic comments invite misunderstanding....or perhaps the intended understanding is meant to be imparted via osmosis? Hit and run harangues inhibit conversation. Back and forth discourse promotes friendly relationships and enlightens both parties, even when they disagree. How I miss that!

I forgave my adversaries on Yom Kippur, even though neither has apologized. I am open to reconciliation whenever they are ready to communicate. Until then, I will respect their stated wishes.

The Eclectic Heretic Update

I consider myself one of the "Outcasts of Israel" as I wander in the wilderness of Diaspora, not fitting in to any religious group's doctrines and theology. Gleaning from many sources, predominantly Judaism of late, I seek "maskil":

Maskil: enlightenment; derives from the Hebrew root word meaning to have insight, to ponder, and wisely understand.

On Shabbat (9/22) I read Psalm 142 and wondered about this obscure word, maskil, which appears in the heading of 11 psalms (32, 42, 44, 45, 52, 55, 74, 78, 88, 89, 142).

"I have no friend" is the essence of the psalm and the essence of my present predicament.

Where do I go from here? I am at another juncture in my spiritual life.

Non-coincidentally, today happens to be "Tandi Memorial Day"......the day I remember losing my "best friend," an Appaloosa gelding named Tandi, who devastatingly departed from me in 1964 (see my original post on this blog, "I Remember Tandi").

There was a song popular at the time called "A Summer Song" that reminded me of Tandi. It's words come back to me today:

They say that all good things must end someday, Autumn leaves must fall; but don't you know, that it hurts me so, to say goodbye to you; Wish you didn't have to go.....

Multiple levels of meaning to many moments of my life.....

So back to isolation for the most part....maybe a good thing. Maybe I can write, study, learn without distraction. Yet, without the impetus of "iron sharpening iron" through discussion and discourse, it is difficult to stay motivated.

I have missed the last three Erev Shabbat services at Culver. I battle fatigue, depression, and feeling "sick" these days. Not sure how much grief has to do with it, but it probably plays a part. I hope to attend this coming Friday evening. I bought my own copy of the Gates of Prayer Siddur so I could learn the liturgy and understand it. I especially love the L'cha Dodi song, welcoming Shabbat. There are so many different versions of it as I searched online, but I enjoy the version we sing. I was able to download the tune, by Zalman Goldstein, although the words are slightly different. Our version is abbreviated. I found nothing objectionable in the lyrics we sing. English translation:

Beloved, come to meet the bride; beloved, come to greet Shabbat. Keep and Remember: a single command the Only God caused us to hear; the Eternal is One, God's name is One, for honor and glory and praise. Beloved....Come with me to meet Shabbat, forever a fountain of blessing. Still it flows, as from the start: the last of days, for which the first was made. Beloved....Awake, awake, your light has come! Arise, shine, awake and sing; the Eternal's glory dawns upon you. Beloved....Enter in peace, O crown of your husband; enter in gladness, enter in joy. Come to the people that keeps its faith. Enter, O bride! Enter, O bride! Beloved.....

I participated in the Hamotzi and Kiddush ritual on August 31......and for the first time in many, many years, tasted wine....the small amount everyone received, students included. It was Manischewitz. I had prayed about this and discussed it with Pat beforehand. The holy use of ritual wine in non-toxicating amounts was a line I could cross safely.

The egalitarian Conservative synagogue the cantor is from permits women to wear kippahs. I'm thinking of donning one. I like the symbolic meaning attached and agree that it is not gender specific, only culturally/traditionally so in Orthodox thinking.

I am reading through the Koren Jerusalem Bible this year, and utilizing the Stone Tanach for Torah readings. I like being on the same schedule as "Greater Israel".

Today I joined with Jews worldwide in simultaneous prayer for the coming of the Mashiach. May Yeshua, the Messiah of Israel, be known to my brethren as their hearts cry out for redemption!

Concerning the study of the Sacred Scriptures, let us heed the words of Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch:

The Tanach should be studied as the foundation of a new science. Let us look at nature as King David did. Let us listen to the march of history with the intent ear of the prophet Isaiah. And with eyes thus opened and ears thus attuned, let us draw from Tanach our lessons about God, the world, mankind....The books of Tanach should become the source of instruction for life, and [people] should learn to hear their message throughout their lives. Their eyes should be opened to see the world surrounding them as God's world, and themselves as God's servants in His world; their ears should be opened to perceive history as a process of educating all mankind toward the service of God.

"Let us read with our eyes and listen with our souls. And let our lives be transformed to what God intended them to be." -- Rabbi Nosson Scherman

This is the essence of Maskil.

From Kol Tuv to Get Lost: My Strange Journey in Messianic Friendship and Fellowship

This is Day 7 of "sitting shiva" for a dead friendship. I don't feel any better, so I'm attempting "writing therapy." Maybe I need to share my thoughts, with myself if no one else.

A dead friendship is worse than losing a loved one through death. I have fond memories of those I have lost through death. And hopes of someday being reunited. But a dead friendship is more grievous and harder to get over. The former friend is still living, still being a friend to others.........but no longer to me. I have lost hope for reunification. Anything is possible, but after several gut-wrenching episodes of "death of a vision" over the course of the past five years, the final nail in the coffin seems to have been hammered in with blunt force. "Get lost" still rings in my ears, along with worse words I try in vain to erase from my memory.

How did it come to this? I cannot comprehend it. I cannot sort out the tangled mess. Why does he hate me? We used to be so close. Why would differences of opinion ruin a relationship?

This is not the first instance of rejection by religious people in recent years, just the most painful, because the bond was so strong, long lasting, emotionally and spiritually intense and vital, ...and the end so unexpected.

I was banned from a Messianic forum after spending hundreds of dollars to be a member of "the club" for a number of years. That hurt. Subsequently, a controversial topic I posted about became the final straw in the closing down of another beloved forum. That hurt even more. I was devastated, as TR had become my lifeline. Members had warned me that "forum friends" were not "real" friends and I should not get too attached to the people I was dialoguing with. But they were real to me, very real. I needed these "friends" in my lonely, isolated world. I had no "real" friends at the time, nor fellowship opportunities.

Eventually I did discover a somewhat local fellowship opportunity. It was through facebook that we connected a couple of years ago. I thought I had found "the swan pond" I was searching for. It was wonderful for awhile, but differences became apparent as time went on, the drive was a long one, and communication difficulties arose. Issues could not be resolved because discussions via email or other written forms of communication were discouraged and/or misunderstood. It almost seemed like I had to "pay to play"....put $30 of gas in the tank, drive three hours on Sabbath, and feel uncomfortable about speaking up in front of everyone about something that would be taken as criticism. I felt more and more alienated from the direction the group was heading. I wanted to remain "a friend from afar" and abide by my personal convictions (which by now included not driving on Sabbath) but not showing up for the head count was increasingly resented. Being a facebook friend was not an acceptable alternative and a few days ago I was faced with imminent "defriending". More rejection.

There must be something wrong with me that elicits such strong repulsion when I express my views. I must be oblivious to my insensitivity and offensiveness. Yet relationships at work seem to be going well. Culver is now my lifeline.....a place of acceptance and appreciation for diversity. "Exclude.....we don't do that here" is our motto. I have been welcomed to participate in the Jewish Prayer Service on Friday evenings.....and I loved my first experience with it. The Hebrew singing sounded heavenly, with Asian student voices mingled in with the ethnically/culturally Jewish. Leading the service is a capable young guitar-playing Conservative cantor from South Bend. HaMotzi and Kiddush brought insight into Yeshua's words, "this do in remembrance of Me", all of us partaking of the one bread and the wine. I enjoyed praying with a Hebrew/English Siddur. I wondered if this concept was borrowed by the Catholic Church, as it reminded me of the Latin/English Missal I used to use at Mass. I plan to attend again next week...and often. My Jewish dorm girls and their moms have been very encouraging to me. Maybe this is where I belong for a season. Maybe this is "the swan pond". I did see the two swans on the lake, seemingly directing my path. Everyone says it was very unusual to see swans on this lake. It even made the local newspaper. There they were, one day only....in front of the "Synagogue on the Sea" (aka Naval Building)

Will I eventually experience rejection once again if I make my views known or fail to meet expectations? For now, I have a glimmer of hope in my heart.

Tree of Life

Tree of Life is one of those rare films that held my interest all the way through. I will probably watch it again. It was visually beautiful, nostalgic, poignant, thought-provoking. I wanted to jot down my initial impressions here on my long-neglected blog. This is still a rough draft, but I need to publish it for lack of time to finish.

"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth....when the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy." (Job 38:4,7)

God's ways are mysterious. Who are we to judge God? It is He who brings trials and tests into our lives and judges us.

God as fire.

Our God is (literally?) a consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29; Deut. 4:24). We can only know Him as He reveals Himself in Scripture and in nature.

"The nuns taught us, there is the way of Nature and the way of Grace. Choose which one you'll follow.

Grace doesn't try to please itself......forgotten, disliked.....accepts insults and injuries. Nature only wants to please itself, lord it over....find reasons to be unhappy."

Some basic truths from Scripture are taught in Catholicism. Not everything we learned was false. Choosing right from wrong was a strong theme growing up Catholic. (Much Catholic imagery/sounds in this film as the family attended Catholic church.) However, I never learned in Catholicism how to overcome natural tendencies and the self life. I never heard about being "born again" and experiencing new life as a new creation with godly tendencies and the ability to choose good over evil.

The mom in this movie seemed to be born again, demonstrating the "grace" life. She was filled with the fruit of the Spirit......gentleness, goodness, wisdom, patience, etc. The dad, on the other hand, illustrated the "lord it over" natural man, ambitious, egocentric, cold, tough, determined, critical.

The son was influenced by both parents, caught in the middle, confused, indecisive about which way to go in life. Turns out his "good" brother and mother won out in the tug of war for his soul, eventually leading him to walk through "the Door" (YESHUA = The Door) later in life after his struggle and soul search. At least in a dream sequence. Not sure how to understand it.

Reviewing his life - in vignettes. I wonder if this theme was influenced by the movie writer's own born again experience, an experience similar to mine, seeing my whole life flash before me and dealing with it in tears of insight, outsight, regret, repentance.

Scene concerning death of 19 year old brother:

When tragedy strikes, news of the death of a loved one, human comfort means well but is inadequate. Platitudes that hurt rather than comfort. "You have two other children..."

Tragedy begets regrets. Dad: "I made him feel ashamed."

Firstborn son/Protagonist knew something of experiencing God. "How did You come to me? In what shape? What disguise? (Scenes of birds, sunsets) How did I lose you? Wandered. Forgot You....Find me."

Recognized his lost condition. Wondered how his mother bore the tragedy of losing her son(s) without getting bitter and losing her faith. Rather than blame God, Mom soul-searched: "Was I false to You?" and asked the classic question, "Why?????"

"Did You know? Who are we to You? Answer me."

Consideration given to "Natural" origin of Universe. My thoughts during the visual spectacle: Mystery. Particles coming together could have happened in split second in God's time/mind. Intelligent Design. In the beginning God created.... We can only conjecture how, when.

After "Big Bang", development of sea life, eohippus, dinosaurs.....seemed a rather ridiculous theory to me, depicting man's attempt to understand the unknowable past.

"We cry to you, my soul, my son. Hear us."

How can one pray to "nature" (Evolution makes no sense).

Her love for her son wrapped up in her very soul.

New day dawns......amoeba

"Life, my life. I search for you. My hope....my child."

???

Son reflects: "You spoke to me through her (mother)". "From the sky, the trees...before I knew I loved You, believed in You. When did you first touch my heart?" He realizes his heart had been touched by God in various ways in his life from his earliest remembrances. Scenes depicting his thoughts and remembrances (life flashing before him in non-linear vignettes)

Before I was born?
As a small child?
Through my little Bible?
Child's Bible?
Autumn leaves?
Christening?
Toddler?
With Dad?
Tree breezes?
Baby brother?
Fireflies?

Mom points to the sky: "That's where God lives." Hatikvah plays. (The Hope/Israel's National Anthem). Why that song? (Not listed in credits at end of film. Hatikvah must be based on a classical piece unknown to me?)

Does the son think of his mom as almost a goddess? "Mother, make me good, brave." Do sons think of their moms as godlike? Almost worship us? We are a type of God to our young sons?

Parents together demonstrate aspects of God.

Mom - nurturing, comforting, wise

Dad - Can be harsh, tough, wrathful, judgmental

(Was glad the film did not depict the Dad as one dimensional. There were moments when the son realized his dad truly loved him and the dad was able to express tenderness.)

Parents are an imperfect reflection of God, themselves influenced by their own upbringing and societal influences.

Son: "Where do You live? Are You watching me? I want to know what You are. I want to see what You see."

Imperfect Church, lame sermons. Lighting candles for the dead (brought back memories of me doing that for my grandfather in Catholic Church).

Little brother drowns in pool

"Was he bad? Where were You? You let a boy die. You let anything happen." (DDT spraying scene with kids playing in it).

"Why should I be good if You aren't?"

(Meanwhile, Mom walks in grace and peace. "Love everyone. Forgive.")

Son: "What I want to do I can't do. I do what I hate." (lots of Scriptural references throughout).

"Father. Mother. Always you wrestle inside me. Always. You always will. I'm as bad as you are. More like you than her."

"The only way to be happy is to love....Do good to them. Wonder. Hope."

Dream sequence?

Son walked through Door. "Keep us, Guide us. To the end of time."

Follow Me

"I give him to You"

My thoughts:

So much we don't understand. Can only speculate. Choose good, choose surrender. Walk through the Door (YESHUA) Choose to love, forgive.

Peter's struggles depicted in protagonists's thoughts.

I never had these particular struggles about theodicy. Always knew "God is good." I never blamed God. I blamed myself for my misery because I turned away from good/God.

Identified with depictions of 50's childhood.....the wood swing was just like one my dad made me.....the neighborhood, fences, yards, neighborhood playmates, curtains blowing in the breeze, fireflies at night.

Identified with the house fire scene. Had a classmate with dead little brother from fire. He went back for his slippers and was trapped. Affected me at the time. But I did not blame God or think Him evil to allow this to happen. Just felt bad for my classmate and did not know what to say to her, so said nothing.

Did not identify with harsh, disciplinarian dad. My dad was not like him. My dad was gentle, kind, and encouraging. I did not blame God for evil, for house fires, for deaths, for disappointments.

Ocean/sand scene: Not so great depiction of Eternity? of seeing our loved ones again? Why such desolate landscapes? Purgatory?

Least understood part of the film was ocean scene and following. Scene shifts back to the son and the city skyscrapers. I thought, "It's not going to end like this, is it?" It did.