Excursion to Exhaustion

A funny thing happened on my way to the Fountain of Youth. As I was literally running away from old age, participating in 5K and longer races throughout 2016 (and previous years), bringing home the bling, enjoying Run Class, training on my trails and elsewhere, suddenly in February of 2017 I could not do it anymore. I was unable to run! I could not do my strength training exercises. I could hardly open the heavy doors in my dorm. I called it "Sudden Weakness Syndrome" or "Sudden Fatigue Syndrome." I had some episodes of it in 2016, beginning in September, but persevered as much as possible because good days were interspersed with bad days. Pat and I enjoyed a Michigan trail race in October and a Thanksgiving 5K with Denise in November. But many days I could not work my full 8 hour shift. That last hour was too much for me. I was so fatigued by 2 pm I could hardly take another step. Sometimes I had to hold on to two handrails to get up the stairs. It would come on so suddenly. Total exhaustion. When I got home I was too tired to fix anything to eat and did not have much of an appetite. Bedtime became 4:30 pm.

My doctor ran blood tests. They showed that I was not deficient in vitamins, or anemic. I did not have a thyroid problem. He did not know how to fix my fatigue. From my own research I determined it must be related to my 2013 diagnosis of a potentially serious chronic disease. Up to this point I felt well and did not want to see a Specialist as recommended. The treatment for this condition is a very expensive newly released pharmaceutical that I had been reading horror stories about from patients who had taken it and ended up much worse off. But the number one complaint of most patients with this condition is fatigue, probably from the body trying so hard to fight the disease.

My tiredness was also exasperated by my heavy workload. My job is very physically demanding and keeps me on my feet working and walking all day. My fitness watch was logging 8-10 miles a day! I considered my job my "fitness regimen," but maybe at 68 years of age it is too much for me. I love my job and do not want to retire or switch buildings with someone who has an easier workload. I like to stay busy. I just want the strength to do what I do. I tried to get my hours reduced to a 35 hour work week thinking that might help, but my supervisor would not approve it. I finally discovered on my own that I qualified for reduced hours under FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) and pursued that option. I was just approved for a 7 hr day/35 hr week for six months.

February 4, 2017 was my last trail race (Crazy Legs Trail Run at Creek Ridge County Park, Michigan City). I didn't know it at the time, but, looking back, it made for a nice "grande finale" when the "elite runner group" escorted me to the finish line, encouraging me all the way. My time was a little slower than usual, but I won a prize anyway. It was shortly after that when I came down with a virus, stayed home from work a couple of days, and then "sudden exhaustion syndrome" struck with a vengeance.

Diet doesn't seem to make a difference. People told me to eat more, and I tried going back to eating meat once in a while (mostly organic chicken and beef), but the condition persisted. I got sick of taking supplements and was having trouble swallowing pills so I quit them altogether. I continued with fruit smoothies and eating healthy, mostly organic meals and snacks. I struggle to keep my weight above 110. I just heard of a powdered supplement called D-Ribose that I could add to my smoothies that I am hoping will help if "mitochondrial dysfunction" is my problem.

My neighbor, Jill, died June 29 after battling cancer for five years. She was 63. Chemo could not save her. The medical route seems fraught with medical mistakes and failures, all at the cost of hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars. I do not wish to go that route. I am grateful for the good years God has given me and I'm old enough to die. Why fight the inevitable? I will do my best to live a healthy lifestyle without pharmaceuticals.

I have another medical issue that worsened last week. I could not go to work Friday because of it. This is something a good doctor could maybe fix, so I did some research and found a specialist in South Bend with many glowing reviews. I guess I feel good about making an appointment, and it seems the LORD is leading this way. Pat has been very supportive.

I don't like having these problems with the associated fatigue and weakness, but this is my reality these days. Hopefully there are brighter days ahead. Job had some difficult times, but it all turned out good in the end. Maybe I need to be tested. I am not sure what to make of any of this but I am seeking the LORD about it. I miss running, paddle boarding, riding, biking, swimming, hiking, and all the fun things I have done in the past few years. I am very grateful I did them when I could. Maybe, LORD willing, I will do them again. I am encouraged by this verse in Isaiah:

...They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint. -- Isaiah 40:31

2016 - Year in Review

I don't want to let 2016 slip away without even one blog post for the entire year so I reviewed my daily planner notes and jotted down some highlights.

Winter....

I endeavored to learn to play piano, the Casio CGP700 purchased in November. I also purchased a new iMac computer over a year ago. I haven't done much with either. I spend too much time on my iPad mini. I continued to work at Culver Academy and continued to attend Run Class on Wednesdays. Pat and I tried cross country skiing at Love Creek in Berrien, MI. It was too slick, hilly, and dangerous for beginners so we switched to snowshoes and traversed a trail. I still would like to try to cross country ski under more favorable circumstances if we get sufficient snow at the parks with flat trails that offer rentals.

Spring......

April 23 was Passover and also the 10 mile Max Move which I walked with MorningSun Kelly. Pat ran most of it. He took up running in the Spring of 2015 and soon surpassed me. In May I started having difficulty working a full 8 hour day and needed to leave early sometimes. I felt exhausted, depleted after 6 or 7 hours of work. These "episodes" continued the rest of the year with increasing frequency but I was not allowed to reduce my hours as I hoped to do. I did not feel up to doing the Alumni 5K this year but Pat did. We did a five mile Volksmarch at Potawatomi Wildlife Park. I walked more than ran. I paddleboarded May 30 and a few times over the summer, but not much energy for that either. We did do an 18 mile bike ride on the Judson/Erie trail which wore me out.

Summer.....

Pat and I did our first competitive race of the year, the Field Station Frenzy 5K in Chesterton on June 4. My time was 36:33/11:47 for 3rd place AG. Did another 5K on June 11 in North Liberty (Pat 31:59/10:19; me 37:18/12:02). No crazy winter races like last year through hip deep snow and knee deep ice water! Great memories but that was enough adventure for me to last a lifetime. On Shavuot we did a 10 mile bike ride on the Panhandle Path in Winamac, casting our bread into the Tippecanoe waters from the bridge. We enjoyed several more bike rides over the summer and fall, exploring various bike trails. Only rode Misty a few times. I have a nice western saddle now yet don't ride like I thought I would. Too tired after work, no energy. Ran 3 more races over the summer with times slower than last year. Took a kayak lesson at St. Patrick's County Park, South Bend. Pat and I volunteered at the Lake Max Triathlon in August. Pat was inspired to train to participate next year.

Fall......

Mash the Creek 5.5K was memorable for mud puddles and mosquitos on September 10. The mosquitos were horrible for many weeks this year. Bike riding became a better option than walking or running. On September 25 we visited Silver Beach in St. Joseph, MI. Denise visited on October 3 and we walked at Coffee Creek, Chesterton. Tashlich at Creek afterwards. Our most enjoyable race was the Sandhill Crane 5K in Vandalia, Michigan on October 8. It was scenic and hilly and fun. Pat joined Lifeplex gym in late October and has been taking classes and swimming a few times a week. I continued to have good days and bad days with low energy and feeling "sick." Had to leave work early many times due to exhaustion and headaches. It did not help that there has been a high pitched infernal hum in the building that still has not been remedied. Denise and Lexi visited on Thanksgiving Break and I felt good while they were here. Denise, Pat, and I did the South Bend Turkey Trot together with over 400 participants. I was happy with my time (37:09/11:59). I tried a Body Pump class at Lifeplex and enjoyed it.

December......

Exhaustion and not feeling well became worse. I wondered if I could continue to work full time. I was told I looked pale at times and my health coach suggested I take iron and eat more. I was down to 110 lbs and size 2. So on December 23, after two years of vegetarianism (but eating eggs, dairy, fish), I prayed about it and decided that maybe animals make better vegetarians than I do. I did not have the time or energy to do it right. I started eating organic beef and chicken and taking a liquid iron supplement. I feel better already and ran an 11:36 pace mile yesterday!

Onward.....to 2017, and whatever it holds.

Trail Trekking

Let us run with perseverance the (trail) race that is set before us. (Hebrews 12:1)

I have found my niche in the world of running and it is trail running. I absolutely love it. I love the natural scenery, the challenge of watching my step over roots and rocks, navigating my way via the signposts when there are not necessarily volunteers at every twist and turn for guidance, and I especially enjoy the type of people that gravitate to these events. Everyone has been very friendly and helpful to one another, the outfits are varied and interesting, the age range of participants range from children to senior citizens--multi-generational families seem to be attracted to these small races. I feel comfortable at these venues. I don't like large crowds of people and I prefer dirt under my feet rather than pavement.

I had decided to run a race a month in 2015 and experience trails in all seasons. January was supposed to be my first race of the year at Taltree Arboretum in Valparaiso, and I was looking forward to it. It was called Ruff, Tuff, and in the Buff and I wanted the Buff neck gaitor that the first 150 registered would receive, so I signed up early. But the day of the race came with extremely frigid conditions. It was 6 below zero with windchills of up to 25 below! I wimped out for fear of frostbite. The race went on without me, and 83 participants braved these conditions out of the 111 who had signed up. Pat was disappointed in me. He thought I could do it but he had more confidence in me than I had in myself.

The February race I signed up for was on February 28 at Bluhm County Park in Westville. It was called the Yeti 4 mile Trail Run. When I signed up I figured it wouldn't be unseasonably frigid again that late in the winter. But it turned out to be a challenge once again, and I almost backed out. LaPorte County gets lots of snow, and there was still about a foot of snow on the ground here. Plus, the temperature was forecast to be in the low single digits after a night of below zero temps. I asked my coach, Dana Neer, if he thought I should do it, and he encouraged me to go for it. So did my run mate, Kelly Norton, at Run Class. She said I would not be cold once I got moving. So I committed to doing this race.

The morning of the race was frigid but sunny. At least there was no wind. I dressed warm because I figured I would be mostly walking in the deep snow. I wore my ski jacket, two hats, boots, two pairs of gloves. Pat came to cheer me on. I immediately liked the friendly Race Director, Paul "CrazyLegs" Stofko, as he walked around with a funny purple hat. He explained that we had to run through the snowy field about a half mile to get to the trails. He had snowshoed them about 7 times to make a path to follow, but the snow was so deep he could not find the regular hiking trail across a stream, so we had a two loop snowy field and the more hard-packed snow switchback mountain bike trail to complete the 4 miles.

About 50 runners showed up in all kinds of attire. Some wore yaktrax or microspikes on their running shoes. At least the snow was dry, but I was glad I wore boots. I love my Propet Blizzard boots. They are lightweight and comfortable enough that I can run in them. I did not care about my time in this race, I just wanted to finish the course. I started near the back of the pack and off we went through the snowy field, following in the deep footprints the other runners were making. It was impossible to run. It was almost impossible not to fall down, and some did. I almost did. I tried running on the somewhat frozen virgin snow but took three steps and sunk in on the fourth....almost up to my hip! After finally making it across the field, we came to a paved bike path for a short distance. I followed the guy ahead of me and ran along this path, oblivious to the orange flags directing us to the mountain bike trail. One runner told us we were going the wrong way, another one told us we were going the right way, runners were going in all directions on the switchback trails next to the paved trail. It was very confusing. Realizing I was going the wrong way, I turned around rather discouraged. I thought, "well I'll just head back on this paved path and quit. What's the point of finishing." Several runners had already quit, realizing they could not run fast in these conditions. As I was heading back I encountered MorningSun Kelly, a Native American woman close to my age who has the distinction of coming in last in almost every race. I had noticed her name on the roster and had hoped to meet her. She walks, jogs, "wogs" many races for enjoyment while her husband runs them competitively. I told her I would follow her and get to the right path, and we eventually got on the switchback trail. She knew these trails as she had run this race in previous years.

From this point on, I had a delightful time trekking with her, getting to know her, trading stories, making plans to run together in the future. We did very little jogging on these ankle twisting snow paths but we walked at a fast enough pace that we were not cold. It was very scenic and we both remarked that we enjoyed the scenery of trail races and had no desire to run at a competitive pace where everything was a blur. As we finished the first loop, she was weary and her knee hurt. It had been some tough going through the woods with all this snow. We had to decide if we were going to quit there or go on and finish, knowing we'd be last and keeping the race director waiting even longer in the frigid temperatures. She said Paul had told her he did not mind waiting for her to finish in previous races. I said, "Well I could go either way, quit or finish." We decided we would finish the course. She wouldn't have done it without me, and I wouldn't have done it without her, so we "rocked the back of the pack" as she later termed it. She would also tell me later that she didn't want me to have to tell my coach that I quit. So onward we went on the second loop through the snowy field once again. She fell, I helped her up, we kept going. We noticed the orange flags this time and got right on the switchback trails without a problem and trekked our way through the scenic winter wonderland once again. The creek was pretty, and MorningSun mentioned that in past years they crossed the creek to trails on the other side. I will definitely have to come back to this place in the Spring and traverse these trails.

As we neared the finish, MorningSun urged me to run on to the top of the hill and finish line ahead of her. I finally got to run on bare ground (a wooden bridge and the paved bike trail) and there at the top of the hill cheering me on was Paul the Race Director with icicles in his beard and a few other nearly frozen but smiling encouragers, including Pat. It was a fun finish....in a little under ninety minutes. Soon MorningSun joined the winner's circle....yes, we are winners because we FINISHED the course! We hugged and became friends. I'm sure I'll be seeing a lot more of her in races to come and training runs together. We both got award medals for first and second in our age category and a cute t-shirt. No other females over 60 had the courage to participate apparently. The third place winner overall was a man in his 60's however. WhiteWolf, MorningSun's husband, did not run this race but was a volunteer helping Paul.

Trail Trekking is what I'm calling what I do. It may not always be running. It may be walking, jogging, trudging, falling down, getting up, persevering under adverse conditions, but it is onward to the finish line. There are life lessons to be learned in this activity. Signing up for these races has kept me active all winter in preparation. I might have wimped out on the January race, but I had prepared for it, even doing a 5K run a week earlier in my woods and on my road. And I've been running indoors with the Run Class on Wednesdays, walking on Thursdays at noon, doing the Cycle Core class on Fridays, and trying to learn to do push-ups and upper body strengthening exercises. I am more fit this winter than other winters by keeping at it. I won't have to "start over" in the Spring as usual, which is hard for a few weeks. Recently I joined a new "Motivated to Move" run club in Culver organized by one of the teachers, David Lawrence. Pat walked/jogged/ran the 2 mile route with me on March 7 at a 13 minute mile rate. A few days later he ran 3.1 miles with me at Tippecanoe River State Park in 39 minutes (12:28). He's on his way to leaving me in his dust in no time. I'm hoping he will join me in these races eventually, especially the DINO race at Potato Creek in June. I would love it if several family members would join me at that one!

Next trail race is tomorrow, March 15....the Forrest Gump Hump at Oak Ridge Prairie, Griffith Indiana. Paul is the Race Director for this "Crazy Legs" series of trail races. Could be wet and muddy as the snow has melted now. Whatever it is, I am determined to finish the course. Onward, by all means!

L'shanah Tovah!

I'm still struggling with "overcoming aversion", thus the long delay in blogging my life and thoughts. Here it is the last day of 2014, and I never finished the draft blog post I started on the Jewish New Year! So many "new beginnings" with these various calendars. I believe the beginning of the year, Biblically and naturally, is in the Spring, the first of Aviv. But I acknowledge the Academic new year in August, the Jewish new year at Yom Teruah, and the Secular new year on January 1. Today is my last opportunity in 2014 to update this blog and I'm determined to do it. I will include the unfinished draft post from months ago, make some remarks concerning those remarks and then fill in my activities for October thru December. I'm back at my old 2005 Mac Mini desktop computer where I am most comfortable typing on the Kensington keyboard. All my old Apple computers just keep on working, though outdated. I have an iPad Mini now, but it annoys me. The entire Internet world annoys me these days, but that's a topic for another day......


Written 9/25/14:

Today is Rosh haShanah/Yom Teruah 2014/5775 and I am happy and doing well. Something has changed since my last post. Once again the LORD has rescued me from the brambles and thicket and set me back on the Path of Life, leading the way. I am ecstatic and energized. I'm sure it has something to do with the email I received from "Shoshana" who somehow stumbled upon my blog and sent me a word of encouragement, inviting me to try Sar Shalom synagogue online. I checked it out and was favorably impressed. I realized I had encountered this website in the past and liked it. At the time, the congregation was talking about moving to a town called Argyle. When my daughter used the word "argyle" in a conversation, I took it as a sign from the LORD. And, oddly enough, of all the myriad online messianic websites, this one was very close to where my daughter lives in Flower Mound, Texas. It would be possible that I could visit her and attend this synagogue someday. For some reason I did not pursue this path in the past (was it this past Spring?) and so the LORD sent another witness to invite me. I discovered that this woman lived in Celina, TX and operated a bed and breakfast. Here was another possibility. I could meet her and stay there sometime on a trip to Texas to visit my daughter and granddaughter. As I pondered these possibilities and sought the LORD about it, behold, a truck was parked at the Culver loading dock with "Celina" emblazoned on its side! Another coincidence? Or is this how the LORD directs my path.

I was very cautious about getting excited about another Messianic congregation. So many disappointments over the years. So many groups that I just did not fit in with for one reason or another. I had just about given up hope of ever finding anything compatible. But I did not like my current situation of being in limbo and having no fellowship or congregation to attach myself to at some level. I was "withering on the vine" for lack of fellowship and intellectual/spiritual stimulation.

I watched some archived services and a couple of live ones in the past few weeks and could not find anything wrong with them. These people seemed to be likeminded in many ways. I liked the Rabbi and the musicians and the congregation. I discovered that the rabbi was no novice, having been Messianic longer than me, about 20 years. Why had I never heard of him? This is an observant Jewish congregation fully centered on Yeshua. I could learn a lot here. I was familiar with some of the Hebrew prayers due to my participation at the "Synagogue by the Sea" at Culver.

Switching gears, the second reason for my renewed joy and enthusiasm relates to running. I ran my first Trail Race on September 20. It was called "Mash the Creek" and it was held at Potato Creek State Park on the hiking trails. I absolutely loved it. I have found my niche. I like dirt and roots and rocks under my feet rather than pavement. A couple of my coworkers from Culver ran it with me, and the camaraderie was wonderful. They loved it too. I hope to run other races with them and their friends. I did better than expected. My hope was to not come in last. Not only did I meet that goal, but I was 42nd out of 69 and won my age division, receiving a beautiful gold medal! (There was only one other woman in my category who came in 20 seconds after me; it pays to be old...not very many women my age are still running.) I am hooked. I want to do this again. There is a trail race at France Park on October 11 but the trail is narrow and possibly treacherous in places. So I'm going there today to check it out first while communing with the LORD on this beautiful festival day. I'll catch the Sar Shalom service later today in the archives and hear the sound of the Shofar. I listened last night to the Erev service. I plan to do the tashlich ceremony with pebbles representing sins cast into the depth of the sea (quarry). Today's Bible reading included Micah 7:18-19 which I took as confirmation.

-------------------------------
END OF DRAFT


UPDATE: 12/31/14......

Concerning Sar Shalom, I am not quite as enthused as I was initially and some red flags have been raised in my mind. I need to write to the Rabbi and express my concerns and give him some feedback. It is difficult for me to watch the services on Livestream, as it does not stream well on my old laptop or on the iPad. I need to get a new MacBook. I was hoping the iPad would be enough, but it has limitations. It's great to bring to work though for email and light use. It's also great for listening to itunes radio and podcasts. I"m still somewhat adrift spiritually, disillusioned with the Messianic world and its cast of characters. My heros have turned to villains, and I don't know where to go from here.

I found a great little book for learning Hebrew called "Teach Yourself to Read Hebrew" (Simon and Anderson) and have been enjoying reviewing what I learned in the past the hard way with this easy to absorb beginner book. Wish I had known about this resource when I struggled through other books. It is hard for me to process information these days. I can only handle a few minutes of reading and studying at a time.

Running truly has become a lifeline for me. This is one thing I can do. All I need is shoes on my feet and appropriate clothing for the weather. It is something I can do most any day of the year. I may just run a mile, or if it is nice weather and I have time, I can run/hike 3 or 4 miles or more. I did the France Park DINO series 5K trail race and absolutely loved it. I drove there by myself and didn't know anyone, but everyone was friendly and encouraging. I got to stand on a pedestal at the award ceremony with my 1st place medal for my gender/age division. It helps when there is no competition since few women my age run these races. My time was 39:35.2 (58th out of 69 participants). There were lots of roots and rocks to watch out for on the narrow trails and I walked when I needed to walk. I'm doing this for my health and enjoyment, not for competition. As long as there are walkers in these races, I need not fear I'll be dead last. Actually there were quite a few runners that came in after me, several much younger than me. I prefer trail races to road races. I like dirt under my feet, the challenge of varied terrain, and I love the scenery.

I ran another race November 1 at TalTree Arboretum in Valparaiso. This was a 10K trail race. That was fun too, although there was lots of mud and it was quite cold that day. I got another beautiful medal for my gender/age division (no competition) and Pat was there to cheer me on. My time was 1:18:44.8 (12:42/M), 74th overall out of 86 participants. My next race is January 10 at the same place, this time a 5K. I wonder what kind of weather we'll have. I'm ready to run in my boots and ski jacket if need be. Running trail races is pure joy for me. Running keeps me healthy. I am literally running away from old age, disability, and disease.

[My stats for the Mash the Creek 5.5K Trail Race: 40:33/11:52]

Another joy for me recently was finding the perfect saddle for riding Misty. It's an extra wide Big Horn western saddle, nice supple leather, comfortable, and it fits my horse. What a huge difference this makes in riding enjoyment! I found it online at The Saddle Shop, Bremen, for $575 (used but well cared for) and went there to pick it up in November. I finally got a chance to ride Misty the other day and what a delight to discover I can mount from the ground without the saddle slipping. I feel like I'm riding my horse not an ill fitting uncomfortable saddle. This is much safer for me than riding bareback, which is what I resorted to most of the time in the past. I hope to do much more riding and enjoying horses in 2015.

I have been home on winter break since December 24, a much needed break. I managed to do some de-cluttering in several rooms thankfully. I go back to work Friday. I still love my job but sometimes it overtires me by the end of the day. It is hard work. There is an opening in Administrative Services I could apply for and maybe get, but I don't want to sit at a desk all day either. I wish I could do both...half a day in my dorm, and half in an office. Ideally I wish I could work part time or at least fewer hours.

Austin spent his Fall break here, and we went for an enjoyable bike ride at Potato Creek State Park. Denise and Lexi came at Thanksgiving break. It was good to see them, but the weather was extremely cold and not conducive to hiking/running. They enjoyed a day of skiing in Michigan though, so I am glad that worked out for them.

Danielle and Dave accompanied me on a hike at Potato Creek in October. I'm hoping they will join me for some of these upcoming trail races in 2015. There is a DINO trail race at Potato Creek on June 20 that I'm hoping friends and family will do with me. Maybe even Pat will join in the fun. His feet are feeling better and he walked two miles at Tippecanoe River State Park recently on a hike/run with me. He also walked at newly discovered Starke County Forest the other day, where we saw one large white swan. My sign. I'm right where I belong.

Overcoming Aversion

To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the Tree of Life which is in the midst of the Paradise of God. (Revelation 2:7)

It has been many months since I have updated this blog. I seem to have developed an aversion to blogging/writing and I don't know why. I used to love to write and journal my experiences, thoughts, and ponderings. What happened?

Today at breakfast I thought about using almond milk for my cereal but suddenly had a strong aversion to opening up the new container, even though I like almond milk. It occurred to me that this feeling of "aversion" happens quite often in various contexts, such as when I plan to do some housework, or go somewhere, or do something I normally enjoy such as working with my horses. The "aversion syndrome" usually prevents me from doing what I should be doing. I hate the "dread" feeling I get, but then I often feel like I cheated myself out of a blessing and I feel defeated. It occurred to me that maybe this was satanic interference and that I should overcome it. Yeshua's words came to mind about the importance of being an overcomer. So I got real brave and opened the carton of almond milk and poured it on my cereal. Ha, it wasn't that hard after all. I enjoyed my breakfast and jotted down some notes in my notebook about other aversions in my life and how I needed to overcome them. If I could pour the almond milk, could I blog?

It is a quiet Sabbath at home. Pat went fishing/canoeing with friends and I have the house to myself for a welcome change. No TV blaring, no distractions, a perfect opportunity to write. Only problem is I have no idea what to write about. I don't seem to have any passion or enthusiasm these days, for anything, or anyone. I'm not depressed, but maybe a bit bored with my life. Everything is going fine. I have no complaints. Well, maybe one. I wish I had more energy/vitality. I am grateful that I can get through my 40 hour workweek, enjoy running, walking, paddleboarding, hiking, socializing, etc. Yet most days I run out of steam by 3 or 4 pm and I'm in bed for the night at 6 pm totally exhausted. I wish I could get some things done after work, play with my horses, read a book, do some housework....but my eyes won't stay open and I find I cannot take another step. Is this normal for people my age? I realize I may have some internal issues going on, but I feel well other than the debilitating chronic fatigue. I have not taken so much as a tylenol in two years. I avoid toxicity, including foods that are toxic to me, stressful situations and people, and this has resulted in good health overall. I have a good energy level much of the day until "the crash" comes in the afternoon. When I'm done, I'm done. It happens less frequently than it used to, but it still hinders my productivity and pleasure.

I am training for an upcoming 5.5K trail race, Mash the Creek, at Potato Creek State Park on September 20 and am looking forward to this event. I hope I can run it in 40 minutes or less and not come in last. Running has become a lifeline for me, a mood enhancer. If I don't run, I get depressed and negative. I try to run at least a mile most days, or if it's too hot to run, I walk a few miles. I lead a Walk Class at work, touring the campus and environs. More often than not, though, nobody shows up. Many would like to do this, but few can find the time. The same with the other classes our Wellness Dept. offers at noon. At the next Wellness Committee meeting, I may bring up the need to address the time constraints on faculty/staff. One teacher liked my suggestion that we all get Friday afternoon off so we can play.

There is a Canoe Class on Fridays at noon that I wanted to do yesterday, but the wind picked up and the lake was too choppy. In May, Pat and I enjoyed a canoe outing on the Tippecanoe River with Dana and a group from Culver. I hope to do that again sometime with family and friends. I had not realized how beautiful the Tippecanoe River scenery is, and so close to home.

In April, May, and June I hiked at Turkey Run State Park. I finally conquered the challenging Trail 3 on my third attempt, along with Denise, Danielle, Austin, and Lexi. Afterwards we enjoyed kayaking/canoeing on Sugar Creek. A memorable time. Pat came with me in April and we paddled a canoe on a perfect day. I hiked alone that time, but couldn't make it up the slippery waterfall rocks. The first time, in April (or was it late March?), I stayed at the cabin by myself and hiked for two days. A mini vacation that I thoroughly enjoyed. There was still snow and ice on the treacherous trails and I found myself scared to death on an icy ledge. Quite an adventure for me.

I also enjoy hiking and running at Potato Creek State Park. Pat came once and we rented kayaks. I enjoy hiking alone most of the time, but it was nice to hike with Denise there last winter. We also hiked at Tippecanoe River State Park. We ran a race together in Culver last November as well. Good times. I wish I had blogged these experiences.

I haven't done much paddleboarding this summer. Dave seems to have lost interest, though we had a couple of short outings together. Denise, Austin, Lexi, and Danielle got to try it in June. Denise and I watched the Lake Max Challenge together. I enjoyed a nice paddle to the town beach and back the other day under near perfect conditions now that the summer boat traffic is gone and the water is calm and clear more often. There were not many days of calm water this summer.

Austin and Kyle are both college students this Fall, Austin at Purdue and Kyle at Vincennes. Where has the time gone?

The Gaza War this summer put the final nail in the coffin of my on again/off again friendship with Peter. Israel's enemies cannot be my friends.

The world situation is very perilous. ISIS is beheading journalists. Islamic wars, atrocities, and terrorism are everywhere it seems. An Islamic Caliphate might be the End Time Beast Kingdom prophesied in Scripture.

I am somewhat adrift spiritually these days, not knowing where to fellowship, even online. Not sure what is going on. I do like Rabbi Jonathan Sacks. I also listen to Chaim Richman (Temple Talk) and Tamar Yonah (Israel National Radio).

I just got an Ipad Mini Retina. I hope to find some new avenues of information/learning/music with the App Store and Kindle reading app. I don't enjoy facebook anymore. I really want to learn Hebrew. I like listening to Hebrew music (Yaakov Shweckey, Yonatan Razel, Mordecai ben David, Baruch Levine).

I hope to get to Potato Creek State Park for a run and hike and to watch the sunset over the lake this evening. The weather is cool for a change. It would be a nice way to end this Shabbat. If only I can overcome the aversion/fatigue that I suspect will attempt to dissuade me. I must remember to recite the verses on the importance of being an overcomer!

Update: I managed to run a mile in my woods but I did not feel up to a trip to Potato Creek today. It was all I could do to overcome my aversion to doing anything. I think I may be fighting a virus or something. But I felt good about at least running a mile. It is amazing how so little does so much for me. And now I'm going to overcome my aversion to blogging, by publishing this poorly written piece. At least I tried.

In Six Days......

Written on Sabbath 2/15/14
9 am

Today's torah portion (Ki Tissa) includes these verses in Exodus 31:12-18

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak thou also unto the children of Israel, saying, Verily My sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between Me and you throughout your generations: that ye may know that I am the LORD that doth sanctify you. Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Wherefore the children of Israel shall keep the Sabbath, to observe the Sabbath throughout their generations, for a perpetual covenant. It is a sign between Me and the children of Israel for ever: for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day He rested, and was refreshed. And He gave unto Moses, when He had made an end of communing with him on Mount Sinai, two tables of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God.

I'm feeling very much alone in my convictions these days. I don't have anyone in my circle of friends/family who regularly communicate with me who believes in Six Day Creationism and proves it by keeping the Sabbath day holy. It is troubling to learn that my grandchildren have been swayed to the Evolution camp. It is troubling that my friend who now calls himself a brother still does not believe in Six Day, Young Earth Creationism, but believes in a novel interpretation of Genesis 1 expounded by John Walton and others. He also has not found it possible in his life situation to keep Shabbat. It is troubling that ffoz gives him cover for trampling the Sabbath with its "Optional for Gentiles" Sabbath stance. Sometimes I feel like forsaking facebook altogether; it is such a grief. It has become easy to eschew it on Shabbat. I don't miss it at all; a welcome respite.

I have been listening to Yair Davidiy via youtube lately concerning the Lost Tribes. I heard of him years ago through Chris Josephson (Bible Light) and wanted to read The Tribes, but it was out of print at the time. My interest in this topic is renewed, so I may read this book and study the topic more in depth. I also heard this week about a legendary river called Sambatiyon that is rather fascinating. Both Yair Davidiy and a Rabbi named Eliyahu Kin talked about it from different perspectives on their youtube channels. I have been convinced for many years that I am an Israelite, and consider myself Jewish in my affiliation. It is a lonely journey for this "ugly duckling", and I have yet to land in a welcoming Hebraic "swan pond."

I have become interested in bird watching lately. We filled our feeders and attracted chickadees, sparrows, red headed woodpeckers, blue jays, cardinals, tufted titmouse (titmice?) so far. The goldfinches have not yet returned to the niger seed feeder at my kitchen window.

Last Sunday I drove to Potato Creek State Park and traversed Trail 4 on my snowshoes. It was very quiet and serene in the woods. I was not cold unless I stopped moving. I wore snow pants so I did not get snow in my boots. The trail had been blazed by others so it was not too taxing. It was a good workout though. It took me an hour and a half to make the two and a half mile circuit. I saw two other snowshoers and encountered one young male hiker in boots who said hello. People on trails are very helpful and friendly in my experience so far. One older snowshoer guy struck up a conversation with me as he rested on a park bench on the trail and gave me some snowshoeing tips. He planned to be out on the trails until sunset, including Vargo Hill. My Trail 4 trek was enough for me. I was tired afterwards. I drove to the Nature Center and may have seen a snowy owl flying low on the trail that leads to the mountain bike trail. Snowy Owls have been spotted all over northern Indiana and Michigan this winter. Do they think this is the Arctic? I can understand their confusion. The snow depth is at least two feet this year. If it melts too fast we could have flooding. There were a few sledders and snowboarders on the sledding hill, and it looked like people had been on Trail 1 with cross country skis near the Nature Center (which was closed). I may try cross country skiing next year.

I only had one "down day" this week. Tuesday I had to go home early from work and sleep the rest of the day. I have not taken what I consider "toxic medicine" (Tylenol, etc.) for at least a year now. If I'm sick all I can do is take colloidal silver and sleep. Epsom (magnesium) baths once a week are helpful, along with B complex vitamins, occasional half Iodoral tabs, daily Sea Aloe in my breakfast juice, and the best remedy, exercise. This severe winter weather has impacted my fitness activities quite a bit. Rowing Class has been suspended due to the frigid mornings, and I haven't been running with the group since the class moved to Tuesdays this month. Nobody seems interested in winter hiking in this weather, so yesterday I walked to the horse barn and visited each horse individually in their stalls and picked out a few favorites. I think Jonkers and Thomas are my favorite Friesians. Buster and Frosty are two thoroughbred types I would consider riding. I did not see my old pal Jackson. I wonder if he is out to pasture or gone altogether. I wonder if I will ever actually ride a nice Thoroughbred or Friesian at Culver. I need to be ready for the opportunity if it comes. I need to work with my own horses, get Martha trained, get someone to help me (Culver instructor that is small?), ride Misty regularly, get the barn and tack in some semblance of good order for visitors, and get myself fit. I need more stamina. I only have so much energy, and when it is gone I am done for the day.

The sun is shining this Sabbath morning. I saw the beautiful full silvery moon in the western sky before sunrise. Time for breakfast and turning out the horses in the woods. Later I'll walk the dog in the woods on my snowshoes and hopefully this afternoon Pat and I will go for a Sabbath day's journey to the Nature Center at Potato Creek State Park and check out the birds at the feeders and in the park. I bought the annual pass last Sunday. Maybe Pat and I could enjoy bird watching as a hobby together. Maybe he could do some nature photography while I hike the trails. It would be nice if we could find a common interest. Maybe we'll go late in the afternoon and see the sunset! Nice way to close out the Sabbath.


Update - Sunday morning 2/16.....

Well, Sabbath afternoon did not go as planned. "Sudden Sick Syndrome" came upon me and I slept most of the day. It is very frustrating not to know why this happens or when it will happen. I feel fine one minute and "sick" the next. I cannot figure out what triggers it. It seems as if my body has to detox from time to time. I'm going to try abstaining from all foods that might possibly be toxic to me for one week and see what happens. There was nothing I ate yesterday that should have affected me. I'll keep a food diary.

Overnight I listened to Rabbi Eliyahu Kin's youtube teachings on Evolution and Creation. It was good to hear a Jewish perspective similar to mine.

I stayed off of facebook yesterday and did not miss it at all. Even after Sabbath ended I chose not to go there. I finally checked it out after midnight when I woke up. Denise posted about hiking in San Antonio. Good for her!

Excerpts from The Sabbath (Abraham Joshua Heschel)

Shabbat
8 Adar
2/8/14


Today I abstained from Facebook and attempted to sanctify the Sabbath, to keep it holy. "Be ye holy, for I am holy," saith the LORD, in today's Bible reading (Leviticus 19:2) and also in 1 Peter 1:16. I felt like I should take the "no commerce on Sabbath" prohibition to its logical extension -- no commercial advertising, thus viewing no web page that contains this distraction, including Facebook.

Facebook is an electronic "town square" where dialogue and news of the day takes place, but it is also a venue for commerce, increasingly so to my dismay. It is also a place of profound grief sometimes, a place to become aware that friends and loved ones are trampling the Sabbath underfoot as they shop and go about their worldly pursuits, disregarding the holiness of the day. This is the LORD's Day! -- a day to rejoice and be glad, the day He refers to repeatedly throughout Scripture as "My holy day"!!!

By 9 am, after reading my chapters and the Torah portion (Tetzaveh) in my beloved KJV (where I encounter the LORD in a manner that just does not happen when I read other versions of the Bible) I began to experience the sanctity of Sabbath, especially while reading and underlining portions of the wise words of Abraham Joshua Heschel. I finished reading his wonderful book, The Sabbath, about 11 am and then went for a 20 minute snowshoe walk in the woods to meditate on what I had read. Soft snowflakes descended from "a grey snow sky, the gift of Adonai." Winter is truly a wonder this year. Did I ever blog the lyrics to this song I wrote to Yanni's music years ago?

Snowshoeing, by the way, is a great cardiovascular activity and a great way to experience the winter scenery. There must be two feet of snow in our woods, so this is the best way to traverse the trails. Next year maybe I'll try cross country skiing once I master maneuvering in these. It is quite easy actually. It is just walking, with poles for additional support and balance. I thoroughly enjoy this activity. The energy expended and metabolism boost prevents me from feeling cold. I do need gaiters though to keep the snow out of my boots. I tried snowshoeing at Culver yesterday along the lake shore, breaking trail from the motel to the Library in spectacular sunshine, blue sky, 13 below zero wind chill weather. Other than one ear getting wind blasted, I stayed warm. I should have double-hatted it, or put up my hood. My Buff was transformed from face mask to emergency ear warmer. My left ear turned red and hot as my blood supply came to my rescue and saved me from frostbite. Lessons are being learned before I venture out on a longer trek on Trail 4 at Potato Creek State Park, hopefully tomorrow afternoon.

Today's Sabbath journaling will consist of passages I marked, underlined, and especially liked in this little book by Heschel:

"The duty to work for six days is just as much a part of God's covenant with man as the duty to abstain from work on the seventh day." (p. 28)

"The seventh day is the armistice in man's cruel struggle for existence, a truce in all conflicts, personal and social, peace between man and man; a day on which handling money is considered a desecration, on which man avows his independence of that which is the world's chief idol. The seventh day is the exodus from tension, the liberation of man from his own muddiness, the installation of man as a sovereign in the world of time. In the tempestuous ocean of time and toil there are islands of stillness where man may enter a harbor and reclaim his dignity. The island is the seventh day, the Sabbath....." (p. 29) [my thought: I wonder if the prohibition against kindling a fire on the Sabbath day refers to staying out of arguments and eschewing discord! Maybe it is a word picture, a metaphor for conflict.]

"The Sabbath is no time for personal anxiety or care, for any activity that might dampen the spirit of joy." (p. 30)

"The idea that a seventh part of our lives may be experienced as paradise is a scandal to the pagans and a revelation to the Jews....the Sabbath is the fountainhead (ma'yan) of eternity......Unless one learns how to relish the taste of Sabbath while still in this world, unless one is initiated in the appreciation of eternal life, one will be unable to enjoy the taste of eternity in the world to come....Eternal life does not grow away from us; it is "planted within us" growing beyond us....The essence of the world to come is Sabbath eternal, and the seventh day in time is an example of eternity. (p.74)

"There is much that philosophy could learn from the Bible. To the philosopher the idea of the good is the most exalted idea. But to the Bible the idea of the good is penultimate; it cannot exist without the holy. The good is the base, the holy is the summit. Things created in six days He considered good, the seventh day He made holy.....The law of the Sabbath tries to direct the body and the mind to the dimension of the holy. It tries to teach us that man stands not only in a relation to nature but in a relation also to the creator of nature. What is the Sabbath? Spirit in the form of time. With our bodies we belong to space; our spirit, our souls, soar to eternity, aspire to the holy. The Sabbath is an ascent to the summit. It gives us the opportunity to sactify time, to raise the good to the level of the holy, to behold the holy by abstaining from profanity." (p. 75)

"We usually think that the earth is our mother, that time is money and profit our mate. The seventh day is a reminder that God is our father, that time is life and the spirit our mate." (p. 76)

"All sages agree, we are told in the Talmud, that the first feast of weeks on which the Torah was given fell on the Sabbath. Indeed, it is the only day on which the word of God could have been given to man." (p. 82)

"According to an ancient legend, the light created at the very beginning of creation was not the same as the light emitted by the sun, the moon, and the stars. The light of the first day was of a sort that would have enabled man to see the world at a glance from one end to the other. Since man was unworthy to enjoy the blessing of such light, God concealed it; but in the world to come it will appear to the pious in all its pristine glory. Something of that light rests upon saints and men of righteous deeds on the seventh day, and that light is called the additional soul." (p. 88) [my thought: YESHUA is that Light!]

"All our life should be a pilgrimage to the seventh day; the thought and appreciation of what this day may bring to us should be ever present in our minds. For the Sabbath is the counterpoint of living; the melody sustained throughout all agitations and vicissitudes which menace our conscience; our awareness of God's presence in the world." (p. 89)

"Nothing is as hard to suppress as the will to be a slave to one's own pettiness. Gallantly, ceaselessly, quietly, man must fight for inner liberty. Inner liberty depends upon being exempt from domination of things as well as from domination of people." (p. 89)

"In a moment of eternity, while the taste of redemption was still fresh to the former slaves, the people of Israel were given the Ten Words, the Ten Commandments. In its beginning and end, the Decalogue deals with the liberty of man. The first Word--I am the LORD thy God, who brought thee out of the Land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage--reminds him that his outer liberty was given to him by God, and the tenth Word--Thou shalt not covet! reminds him that he himself must achieve his inner liberty." (p. 90)

"In ancient literature, emphasis is expressed through direct repetition (epizeuxis), by repeating a word without any intervening words." (p. 90)

"The Torah, whenever we study it, must be to us "as if it were given us today." The same applies to the day of the exodus from Egypt: "In every age man must see himself as if he himself went out of Egypt." (p. 98)

"An instant of returning to God may restore what has been lost in years of escaping from Him" (p. 98)

Joy in the Journaling

Adar 1
Shabbat
2/1/14 7 am

Thank you, LORD, for bringing healing yesterday and last night. Strength and health are restored, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It's a new month, a new chapter. I need to write my thoughts on my blog each Shabbat. John wrote on the Isle of Patmos on Shabbat, the LORD's Day (Revelation 1:9). The Bible always refers to Sabbath as the LORD's day (Genesis 2:3; Exodus 16:23; 20, 31, 35, Lev. 23, Deut. 5, Isaiah 58:13, Ezek. 20, Luke 6:5, etc.) The "Church" very early went astray and deviated from Torah, the instructions of God. Nowhere in Scripture is there any indication that the LORD's day changed to Sunday. Anyway, I have no problem with writing on Sabbath, though others may.

Thank you, LORD, for Joel Allen (Messianic Family Fellowship, NY) for podcasts that helped turn the tide for me last night. His views were similar to mine, his sermon was edifying and reassuring (Terumah 2/16/13) and he used lots of Scripture from the KJV. I miss the KJV. I am going back to reading it today. The Complete Jewish Bible (David Stern) can be a reference, but my primary Bible needs to be the KJV. I treasure the lofty, poetic language and the overall accuracy. There is no better English version. I sense Your leading back to "the old paths" (Jeremiah 6:16). I sense I am back on Your path and out of the tangled thicket I've been in for quite some time. December and January have been rough, spiritually, physically, emotionally....not to mention the frigid weather, which has been like a Judgement on America, a plague, tribulation.

In contrast, the snow today looks peaceful, beautiful, inviting. I hope to play in it today...on my snowshoes, which I enjoy. I hope to get to Potato Creek State Park sometime this month for a snowy trail trek. So far, I've only tried it twice in my backyard/woods.

I have not been running, rowing, or even walking much this winter due to the severity of the weather and my "often infirmities." I hope that is all about to change.

I pray my paddleboards survive the weather being still outside against the Linden dorm wall. Winter came on strong without warning, and I did not get to take them home. I had hoped to paddleboard in November with Denise, but instead of turning warm, it turned very cold. It has been a long, bleak, difficult winter. Is there a message in it? Thank you for keeping us safe through it all.


Daily Bible Reading - Leviticus 1-3 (kidneys, liver)

I pray LORD, heal my kidneys, liver, whatever internal needs complete healing. Refuah Shleimah!

Torah Portion - Terumah (Exodus 25:1-27:19)


Update 4 pm: I did go snowshoeing in the woods this morning with Allie. It was a winter wonderland with snow falling softly all around us. The snow was up to Allie's belly. She got tired and followed my snowshoe tracks after a while. We only went one time around the trail, about a quarter mile, but I had to stop several times due to exhaustion. I wonder if I am getting over a respiratory virus. I feel fine today other than my limited endurance. I did not go to work yesterday because I felt so horrible. At one point my temperature was 95.4. It's back up to about 97 today. I can't even get to 98.6 at my age! The 97 range has been "normal" for me for a few years at least. I can't seem to burn off any chronic viruses that might be indwelling me and wreaking havoc from time to time. Fatigue is still an issue. But I don't trust modern medicine, so I must rely on the LORD for guidance and healing...and I do.

I have been thinking about all the "burst bubbles" and understand now that reality does not burst like a bubble, only fantasies. What is real remains. What is fake, deceiving, pretentious can and does go "poof." Rather than lament the loss and wallow in disillusionment, I should rejoice in the truth. The truth sets us free. The tares are not worth the tears.

Lamentation

O say can you see
By winter dawn's eerie light
Bubbles bursting in air
Better days out of sight.

Not much we can say
Thoughts suppressed, gone away
Take a hike; twas a dream
then a nightmare, yet no scream

No comprendo
Makes no sense
Writer's block
Dissonance

Progress mired
Less inspired
Maybe tired
Prayer desired.

2013 Following Atticus Gratitude Hike: The Trail and the Trek

My backpack with "Virtual FA Hikers" in tow

Arriving at the trailhead in our caravan of cars, we excitedly embarked on our journey. I don't know exactly what time it was when we got started, but I suspect we started later than planned. It was probably sometime after 10 am. The weather was cloudy but mild, ideal really. We wouldn't have to worry about sunburn on the summit for one thing, and the foliage against a grey background made it even more vivid. I discovered when I arrived in the White Mountains on Friday that the area has its own weather system. All day long throughout New York, Massachusetts, Vermont, and part of New Hampshire it had rained almost continually. I wondered how the rain would affect our hike, or if it would postpone it until Sunday. But as soon as the White Mountains came looming into view, the weather changed. It was cloudy but dry. It had not rained here. And, other than a few sprinkles, it did not rain until Sunday thankfully.

The sky seemed a bit gloomy, but the participants were not. Just the opposite. Everyone was full of smiles and excitement. Susan donned a crazy warm hat and made everyone laugh, Russ and his antics and stories provided entertainment all day. I was still "one notch below panic mode" in my inner being due to my nervous temperament but this quest to conquer my self-limiting lifestyle had to be accomplished. I had to "get comfortable with discomfort" and realize that I was "exactly where I was supposed to be." I tried not to fret about my "bad hair day" or not being able to wear the new powder blue in-remembrance-of-my-father fleece jacket I bought for the occasion because it was too warm and I could not fit it in my backpack. I could have worn the cute grey running jacket I did pack, but instead I wore my drab, old, but lightweight and comfy black running jacket that I could easily tie around my waist as I got sweaty. But everyone had cameras and they were snapping pictures. I dread being in pictures. I am not photogenic and am overly self-conscious. I really need to get over myself, and I tried on this trip, somewhat successfully. Michael kindly adjusted my backpack for me, which was sitting too low on my back. It felt much more comfortable higher, but still felt heavy. I had prepared for the hike by wearing the hiking boots on Indiana trails, and wearing a backpack with a few items thrown in for my 2 hour walks, but I had not loaded up the backpack with all the gear I would bring and gotten used to the weight. I discovered that fitness for one sport does not necessarily prepare you to be fit for another. I could run (jog) easily for miles, but climbing a steep hill that keeps going up, up, up relentlessly with a heavy pack on my back, over treacherous roots and rocks was another thing altogether. I was grateful for those who offered to carry my pack part of the way when they saw me struggling. Without the pack it wasn't hard to climb, but with it was a challenge. I was huffing some, needed to rest at times, and got tired. Occasionally I felt a little dizzy and disoriented which surprised me, but I hadn't had much breakfast. I was glad when we stopped for lunch along the way. I enjoyed my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chips, and the very special sweet bread Jenn shared with us. Donna Jean shared homemade chocolate/peanut butter buckeyes with everyone, and the camaraderie between us all was wonderful.

One of my fondest memories along the trail is of Tom reaching out a hand to assist me over the rocky places. Another great memory is of Atticus leading the way in front of us, stopping at a large boulder, and turning his head to look at me. I wondered if I should help him. Tom was behind me and asked Atticus if he needed a boost. Tom gave Atti a helping hand and got him up on that large rock, and he merrily proceeded on his own from there. That was the only time I saw that Atticus needed a boost, as difficult as the terrain was becoming. What a trooper! He seemed to be feeling well in spite of what he has been through with the cancer treatments. It was heartwarming to witness the bond between Tom and Atticus. Best friends forever! I was delighted that Atticus seemed to like me too. I am not particularly a "dog person" and was not gushy with affection towards him. I did not have pockets full of treats as did others. But Atticus M. Finch seemed to give me his stamp of approval and accepted me into his discriminating circle of friends. He gave me a memorable gift, a poignant display of his uniqueness, when he came near me on the summit of his own volition and then hopped up right behind me onto a boulder to "summit sit" and gaze at the view. I won't forget that moment.

I never heard a sound from Atticus. He does not bark or whine. He speaks with his eyes and with his "smile". He is otherwise "all business"...a very serious, pensive soul. I've never met anyone like him of any species. It is hard to think of him as a dog. Sure, he's a canine, but he is more than that. It is hard to explain or fathom. I once enjoyed a special bond with an Appaloosa horse named Tandi in my youth. This horse was "more than a horse" to me. He was my special friend and we communicated in a special way, soul to soul. I never knew another horse like him either. It is a rare and precious thing to bond with someone in this way, whether man or beast. (Sometimes I'm not sure which species is the beast!)

I traveled the trail with various walking partners from time to time. The trail started out very scenic and easy to traverse for about a mile or so. I found it very easy going, and Tom remarked about how fast I was covering ground. I was in my element on this portion of the trail. I enjoyed chatting with Russ and others along the way, and especially enjoyed just being with my daughter in the great outdoors. There was pretty foliage, soft pine needles on the forest floor, a scenic bridge over a rocky stream, a fairly wide path that went up and down and around. I was just loving this trail.....but then it got steep. We got to the "mountain climbing" portion. It got so difficult in places that I wondered why Tom had brought us here. What was he thinking? What if these rocks and roots were wet. We would be in peril. Injuries would likely occur amongst us newbies. Even the experienced hikers were relating injury stories. One had fallen recently and hit his head on the rocks, bleeding. This was dangerous, rugged mountain climbing! No wonder Tom had asked that those not up to hiking a mountain not participate. He wanted to show some people what he experiences in these mountains, and it was supposed to be for those who could handle it. What was I doing here, I wondered? What were some of the others doing here who had physical limitations, bad knees, etc. And one was a smoker who had to refrain from smoking all day! Tom had expected some wouldn't make it all the way to the summit. He thought some would rest at a lower elevation, still getting some nice views, and wait for the others to ascend to the summit and return, joining us on the way back. I thought I'd be one of those waiting at a lower elevation. But there were experienced hikers urging us "onward, by all means." We heard "hiker fibs" (as it turned out) that we were "almost there," "just a little further," "right around the next bend." We pressed on, and somehow, slowly but miraculously, we ALL ended up on the Summit.

Summit City?

By this time I was exhausted. I just wanted to sit down and rest. The 360 degree view was spectacular. I wandered around the large rocky summit in awe. The sky was a serious looking grey, although the sun broke through briefly. There was a message in it, but I didn't know what it was. It put me in a somber mood briefly. I asked the LORD, "Why am I here? What is the message?" I had brought a very special little Gideon's New Testament/Psalms that Denise had brought home from school in 5th grade, and I had planned to pull it out of my backpack and read a psalm and spend some quality time with God on top of the mountain (if I made it to the top). But the frivolity of such a large number of people up there did not lend itself to the occasion. Besides our group, many others had made the climb, some with large dogs, including a couple of Chows. I was worried for Atticus when they came along, but there were no dog fights thankfully. There were groups of young people in sandals being silly and foolish, one doing cartwheels up there, and other distractions. Plus, everyone had a camera, and I didn't want to make a spectacle of myself by reading the Bible and maybe being a photo op for someone. I regret my decision though. I should have found a quiet place alone somewhere and did what I set out to do. I don't have the answers yet to my questions, and I missed a potentially meaningful spiritual encounter with the Living God.

I have no idea what time it was when we were ready to descend the mountain after our group photo, or how long it had taken us to make it to the top. The sign at the trailhead stated the distance to the top was 2.7 miles. I could have traversed a flat trail in less than an hour, but it probably took us 3 hours to do this one with all our stops, waiting for others to catch up, and catching our own breath. It was both harder and easier on the descent. Harder, because we had to watch our step very carefully, sometimes walking on sheer rock, sometimes traversing treacherous loose rocks and roots. Again, Tom reached out a hand to help me. He did this for others as well. I was praying that no one would get hurt. It was easier, though, on the downgrade, because we weren't huffing and puffing as on the ascent. And it took less time with fewer stops along the way. I spent most of the time with my new friend Donna Jean from Ohio, the smoker. I had to give her credit for her tenacity in doing this. She is an incredible woman, witty, warm, and personable. We got along well. It started to get darker along the trail and I remembered that darkness descends on the forest before more open places. Would we make it to the trailhead before nightfall? I hoped so. We did not hear anyone up ahead and didn't know how far we were from the others ahead of us. At one point we wondered if we were lost because the trail started going uphill again. I hadn't remembered that the terrain varied like that. But there didn't seem to be any other trail that we could have veered off on so we kept going. Others were quite a ways behind us and I feared some would not make it back before dark. I prayed for them and hoped they remembered to bring flashlights or headlamps. I knew experienced hikers would have been with the slow ones, but I wasn't sure which ones they were. I knew Tom and Atticus were well ahead of us somewhere. Donna Jean and I joked that we would have been satisfied with a short walk on the easy stretch of trail to the scenic bridge and back. Why did he have to take us all the way to the top of a difficult mountain to climb? We were getting very tired at this point and a little nervous about being alone in the forest as night descended. We were not completely alone, as another small group was behind us a little ways. As it turned out, Tom and Denise arrived at the parking lot only 3 minutes before we did, but at the time we felt alone. It was nice to be "alone" though. I noticed more about the scenery than on the way up. It was very beautiful and peaceful in these woods. We stopped on the scenic bridge for a bit. I had hardly remembered it. I must have been engaged in frivolous conversation at the time. I remember Russ and I and some others were sharing stories about our pets from our hippie days, including reminiscing about my cat Osley who was thrown off the top of a 5 story building by a crazed hippie on LSD. He had 3 broken legs and a broken nose, but Angell Memorial had fixed him up and he survived.

Finally we arrived back at the trailhead at dusk. We were never so glad to see a parking lot. The others were milling about talking about the need to change the dinner reservation to an hour later. I had not planned to attend the dinner anyway. I knew it would be too ambitious to expect anything out of me after the hike than a quick bite to eat and an early bedtime. Some had to leave to get ready for the dinner at the Thompson House Eatery, but some of us remained to wait for the other hikers.

Atticus was sleeping in the front seat of Tom's car. I joined him in the back seat using my backpack for a pillow. I was so tired...and cold. I see why we needed to bring additional clothing. After sunset, the temperature dropped significantly. I wished I had been able to pack my fleece jacket, but my grey one over my little black jacket sufficed, along with my winter hat. I got to watch Atticus drink water from his cup in the cupholder and mentioned to Tom that he needed more. I prayed that the others would make it back okay and was gratified to hear the sound of applause and praise from Tom and the others when they did make it out safely after dark. What a day! What an adventure! What an accomplishment for us all! We got into our cars and traveled back to Jackson. We had to make a stop at Rachael's house to pick up Will, and I was thrilled that Tom chose to put him on my lap in the back seat. At one point, Will snuggled with his face in my armpit. Sweetest dog I ever met.

Finally we got back to the Inn. I realized that I was feeling very comfortable and that the nervous "one notch lower than panic mode" feeling had dissipated somewhere along the trail. It had been a day of transformation. In spite of the difficulties, or maybe because of them, I had conquered a mountain in more ways than one.

View from South Moat Mountain on 10/5/13

2013 Following Atticus Gratitude Hike: Breakfast at RiverWood Inn

I got a good night's sleep, after not sleeping much the night before, but 5:00 am came quickly and I climbed out of bed. I felt like a little girl getting out of this antique twin bed because it was so high. The bedding was luxurious, the comforter soft. Denise slept soundly in the other bed. I peeked out of the blind and all was dark outside. My usual practice at home is to spend the first hour of the day with the LORD, reading the Bible and writing in my journal. I had to rush this special time and just read one chapter instead of three. I happened to be in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) in my thru-the-Bible reading. I thought about how often Yeshua (Jesus) resorted to mountain settings. I thanked the LORD for my safe arrival in NH and prayed for safety for everyone and a good day on the mountain. A quick shower came next, and then the decisions. What to wear, what to bring. Denise and I hardly had room to turn around because we both brought huge suitcases, not knowing what kind of weather we would face. As it turned out, neither of us used 90% of what we brought. We definitely overpacked! The weather was pretty mild. I couldn't decide if I should wear the hiking pants or the hiking shorts, so I wore both. I figured if it got too warm, I could shed a layer. I started stuffing my small backpack with extra socks, clothes, hat, gloves, sunglasses, headlamp, flashlight, rain jacket, fleece jacket, Bible, etc. and then wondered how I was going to fit my two 32 oz bottles of water in there, along with my 24 oz Camelbak water bottle. Tom had told us we needed to bring plenty of water. He brings 100 oz in a bladder type Camelbak. And where was I going to get the water? This was a bed and breakfast and the hosts were busy preparing breakfast for us all. We ended up filling our bottles from the small bathroom sink. The water was cold, mountain water that tasted great thankfully. My two large Nalgene bottles fit in the side pockets of the backpack. I ended up carrying the smaller Camelbak and sipping it throughout the hike. It turned out I didn't need this much water and it really weighed me down. But dehydration is a danger on mountain hikes so better safe than sorry.

I could not believe how fast time was flying on this entire trip! What I thought was efficiency, getting ready for the day, turned into a mad rush as other hikers started arriving downstairs for the group breakfast. I met Laura first, on the porch, and introduced myself. It was neat to recognize "strangers" from our private facebook page. We had all gotten somewhat acquainted beforehand. So the greetings between us were comfortable and not awkward. As more and more hikers arrived though, it became a buzz of activity and excitement. Some brought gifts for everyone, thoughtful little bags of goodies. I was overwhelmed by it all. I hadn't been so thoughtful to even think of bearing gifts, other than the trinket for Tom that we all brought for the basket we would present to him. Mine was a Culver Academies soft beach towel with flowers on it. I thought of it as a "Will blankie" knowing Will liked flowers. I had also purchased funky blue plastic sunglasses with flowers on them in honor of Will, who likes flowers. Of course he can only smell them, not see them, but it was my way of thinking of him, the dog I admired as an overcomer. I needed to be an overcomer also, in many aspects of my life, especially when it came to leaving my comfort zone and normal routine and embarking on this road trip and adventure of a lifetime.

I met Roy, the local radio personality, and asked him to remind me to change into my hiking shoes before we left, as I was wearing my regular running shoes for breakfast and did not want to end up on the mountain rocks without the right gripping soles. He joked that he would be sure to take on that responsibility of reminding me. I never know what I'm going to say to people. Sometimes I'm shy, sometimes I'm too bold.

I met so many people that morning it was confusing to keep their names straight in my mind and where they were from and their stories from facebook. I was getting one mixed up with another. Finally we all sat down to breakfast. It was fancy. A pineapple and rice concoction, and a quiche in a fluted cup. I should have mentioned beforehand that I don't eat ham/bacon, but the question had been "do you have any food allergies." The coffee was in a french press and very good. Tom was presented with a walking stick that Michael had carved all of our names into along with a picture of Atticus and the map logo from the book. It was beautiful. Such a great moment. The new "mystery hiker" sat at my table. Her name was Jenn, from Worcester, MA, and she was a great addition to the group.

We were presented with lovely gift bags from Tom and our Gratitude Hike t-shirts. Many of us decided to wear our beautiful shirts, including me. One of the gifts Tom gave me was a writing journal. I will treasure it. He is the most thoughtful man I've ever met. The beautiful sunflower design gift bag included an autographed White Mountain map like the one that appears in the book, fancy chocolate from the Bavarian Chocolate Haus (the chocolate dog bone was cute!), blueberry jelly, hiker keychain, scenic calendar, MountainEar Magazine, and a Mountain Wanderer hiking hat (which I wore). Someone gave me a button/ribbon representing the virtual hikers from the FA page that we were taking up the mountain with us. I attached it to my backpack. Was it Erica who gave me this? It was a blur of excitement and activity at the Inn that morning and my recollections are jumbled. Everyone was milling about outside enjoying Will and Atticus, taking photos, having conversations. I was too busy to socialize much, trying to get myself ready. I remembered my hiking shoes, decided I had no room for the fleece jacket and packed a lighter one, and wore my little black running jacket over my base layer shirt and the Gratitude Hike shirt. It was time to get in some cars and follow Tom to The Local Grocer where several would pick up their lunches. I brought two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I made in my room very quickly. We also needed to stop at the Vet (Rachael) to drop off Will for the day. I got to ride with Tom and Denise, Will and Atticus! How special was that! Both dogs rode up front with Denise, but I got to hold Will on my lap on the way home. And then it was off to the trailhead at South Moat Mountain!

......to be continued

2013 Following Atticus Gratitude Hike: The Road Trip

Written from a rustic cabin at Pokagon State Park, Angola, IN on Thursday morning, October 10.....


This is my attempt to write and sort out my thoughts from the incredible vacation I have just experienced. When was the last time I had a real vacation? Never? This is a first for me in so many ways. My first road trip on my own. My first hike in the mountains. My first time doing something special as a mother/daughter duo.

The driving the first day was grueling. A little homesick through Indiana as I left, boring through Ohio, stressful through Cleveland, pleasant through the southern tier of New York, but arriving later than anticipated at my hotel in Johnson City. It was dark by then, almost 8:30. I had to drive about 2 hours in the dark through construction and unfamiliar busy roads at rush hour while tired and uncomfortable from sitting too long. The Red Roof Inn was very nice, but I got lost looking for some place to eat. I was shaking and terrified as I got all turned around in a strange city and did not know how to get back to my hotel. I had to stop at a gas station (twice) and kind people helped me find my way. By then I just went to bed hungry without dinner but too nervous to eat anyway. I ate a dry piece of rye bread from the loaf I brought with me to ward off hunger pangs. This was not at all how I envisioned my first night away from home. I felt a little homesick and strange in the hotel by myself. My plan to tour the historic carousel in the park and walk on a nature trail did not happen due to the time constraints. Nor did a nice meal at the end of the day's journey transpire. I have since determined that 500 miles would have been enough distance for the day for me and that 640 was way too ambitious. But I had no choice really, unless I would have left the day before.

The next morning I was still nervous, and when I couldn't find my cosmetic bag I had a panic attack. I was crying and convinced that my brain was not capable of handling this trip since I forgot to pack something. [I subsequently found the missing bag.] I really had not had time to prepare for the trip as well as I wanted to. This whole thing was too much for me I determined. I tried to convince myself I had accomplished something by getting as far as I did and intended to just turn around and go home. But the thought of driving through Cleveland dissuaded me. I did not feel up to that either. I tried to calm down, I prayed, I thought about how I needed to be in New Hampshire for Denise's sake, how disappointed she would be if I backed out, and how I had known I was supposed to be there on this hike. I had to do this. But how? I thought of the Following Atticus mantra, "Onward, by all means!" One foot in front of the other. Face my fears. Don't retreat. I can do all things through Moshiach, who strengthens me. "I'll just take one step at a time," I thought. "I'll drive to the traffic light where I messed up last night, I'll turn right, and I'll go to the grocery store/cafe that I had planned on in the first place. I'll get a cup of coffee and figure it out from there."

Even this turned out to be a challenge, as the entrance was confusing and hard to see in the dark. But I made it. I got a coffee and an egg and cheese muffin. Taking care of my nutritional needs helped. I get "crazy" when my blood sugar level drops too low, and snacks don't help. I need protein. [Now that I reflect on this, I had not eaten much of anything the entire day. My "panic attacks" were due to hypoglycemia.]

Back to level-headedness, I felt ready to embark on the next phase of the journey. I left Johnson City, NY about 7:30 am, and the drive to Albany NY was pleasant enough although it was raining, but only occasionally did it rain hard. I was praying and listening to Yaacov Shwekey. The Collection CD comforted me throughout the trip and became my primary music. I also listened to Tom Rush and Dave Van Ronk and the audio version of Following Atticus. I laughed out loud at some of the stories Tom told. I felt like I was getting to know Tom through listening to him read his book. I paid more attention to details than I had in reading the paperback version, before I knew I would meet the author.

It was still raining in Albany so I decided it was too challenging to try to get to Vermont from there following the confusing Mapquest route. I stayed on the Mass Pike instead. Entering Massachusetts I realized this was the first time in my whole life I had driven back to my home state. I had mixed feelings about being there. I liked the scenery, especially in the Berkshires, but there is something oppressive about the State of Massachusetts that I sense. I just have never had a peace about being there for some reason. Spiritually it is not compatible with my soul or psyche. Except for my beloved Blue Hills where I used to ride horses. Maybe I've always been a "mountain girl" or at least a "forest girl".

I took 91 north, and the sun came out briefly in Northampton MA, but most of the trip was cloudy or rainy. I wondered if it would be raining in the White Mountains and if we would get to hike or not, or if we did, would the rocks be slippery.

Vermont was beautiful, with peak foliage, gently rolling hills, and postcard pretty farms dotting the landscape. I got within a few miles of Groton, where I spent time as a child with the Fergusons, but I did not have time for the planned side trip there. This whole journey was taking far more time than anticipated. I had hoped to arrive in Jackson, NH around 3-4 pm., but it was looking like a 6 pm. arrival time. I tried not to stress about it, realizing I would have little time/energy to get ready for the hike the following morning.

Crossing into New Hampshire, I wondered why I was traveling all this way to see the Autumn scenery. Sure, it was beautiful, but I enjoy Indiana's understated beauty and pretty fall colors. What was the big deal about New England? Suddenly the White Mountains came looming into view. I said, "Wow!" That's all I could say. I was humbled in my thoughts. There was something majestic about these mountains. They were much higher, rockier, bare on top, imposing. The word "grandeur" came to mind. I didn't care for all the touristy stuff I was passing along the highway, but the mountains themselves were a draw. The foliage seemed almost a bit past peak here, about 20 miles north of Jackson, but when I got to Jackson, it was perfect. Tom had picked the right weekend. I arrived at the RiverWood Inn about 6 pm. and hoped to freshen up and change clothes before meeting people, but as soon as I got out of the car, Tom and Denise pulled in. Oh well, I wasn't ready, felt grungy, but it was great to see Denise, and Tom made me feel at ease. I liked him right away.

Our tiny room with high, antique beds was very nice. It was pretty cramped with all our suitcases and gear though. Denise and Tom went out to eat. I was invited but declined, choosing to finish my subway sandwich in my room and try to relax a little. Relaxation was impossible as the time sped past. I wasn't ready for this hike. I did not know what to pack in my backpack. It was all happening too fast. It was dark before I could even wander the grounds down by the Wildcat Creek as planned. That experience would have to wait. I went to sleep, setting my alarm for 5 am so I could read my Bible, take a shower, and pack up for the hike before the breakfast at 7:30. I thought I had plenty of time. I didn't. It was a mad rush in the morning.

....to be continued.

Running Away From Old Age (Part Two)

To everything there is a season..... Ecclesiastes 3

I cannot believe how swiftly time passes. I thought I would write regularly and journal my thoughts concerning my upcoming adventure in the White Mountains on the Gratitude Hike. But I have been too busy to write, or think, or ponder, or even plan my trip. I managed to decide on a route to take (through Southern New York and up through Albany, NY and Vermont) and make a hotel reservation in Johnson City, NY, but other than that, I have not had the leisure to daydream much about the trip and plan activities or side excursions.

I've been ordering hiking clothes and gear, mostly from LL Bean, and trying out my Merrell hiking shoes on a few local hikes. Two hikes were at Potato Creek State Park by myself, one at Tippecanoe River State Park with a group from Culver Academies, and one at Potawatomi Wildlife Park in Tippecanoe, IN with my friend Vilma. In all cases my feet burned and hurt after an hour or so of walking in the shoes. The shoes fit like a glove and are comfortable. The problem is socks. Smartwool and Coolmax did not work for me. Hopefully the Road Runner Drymax 25x socks will work. I will bring extra socks in my backpack and change them every couple of hours if necessary to avoid this burning sensation. It may have something to do with my toe injuries of the past. It is a wonder I can run and walk at all after broken toes that healed on their own without intervention. They don't look pretty but they still work, for which I am very grateful. Being out on the trails enjoying nature is my favorite place to be, and I hope to continue this passion on into my senior years.

It is encouraging to see and hear of other older people still active. I remember when I felt so miserable in my 50's that I held out hope that my 60's would be better, since I saw many happy, healthy, vibrant seniors. One in particular looked like a teenager she was so slim and fit. If it weren't for her face, I would have guessed her age to be 20 instead of mid 60's. Too bad faces can't be renewed to younger versions without plastic surgery. But then who would know we were old and be inspired by us? So I am learning to cope with old age and make the best of it. This could be my last decade of life, although I hope to make it to 85 to see the Coming of the LORD.....if Dan Gregg's chronology turns out to be true. I'm not a date-setter, but I do anticipate the Return of the Redeemer of Israel and the beginning of the Millennial Kingdom within decades, not centuries.

Speaking of my religious beliefs, they seem to be somewhat in flux these days. I feel somewhat adrift, with no earthly shepherd of my soul to watch out for me. I have no wise teacher, preacher, or rabbi at present to follow, so I will follow Atticus up a mountain on October 5, gaze serenely at the hills and valleys as he does, and hopefully encounter God in a very special and renewing way, refeshing my soul. I hope to see Moriah, the mountain with the Biblical name, and find out who named it and why. Did someone experience a Divine Encounter there? An epiphany? Theophany? I don't think any of my hike mates are religious in a like-minded way. It will be interesting to hear their thoughts while in "God's country". I will probably keep mine to myself so as not to offend. That is, unless the LORD has me blurt something out as happens on occasion. Hopefully my thoughts will turn to words on a keyboard and my writing passion will take off with gushing instead of a trickle. Tom says that a writer just opens a vein and bleeds.

How I need this vacation! I have not had a vacation in years....many, many years. This could be a new beginning for me if I get over my fears of travel and other hindrances to living life to the fullest. I am very grateful that Pat is willing to hold the fort and take care of the animals while I'm gone. I am free to travel for the first time in my life it seems. I am not used to this kind of freedom. I look forward to spending time with my daughter in New Hampshire and my sister on Cape Cod. I look forward to meeting Tom Ryan, a real writer, an inspiration and encouragement as I rekindle my love of writing, my NEED to write. Since 4th grade, when Miss Powers encouraged my writing, I've always thought of myself as a writer....but "someday" when I had time to pursue it. "Someday" almost came in the late 1990's when I enrolled in a writing course through the Institute of Children's Literature. I enjoyed the assignments and hoped to get an article published in a children's magazine and be on my way as a writer. When I got my first rejection slip, I felt so discouraged I could not continue. My change of life emotional swings were a hindrance to pursuing a writing career so I put it off for another decade or so. Oddly enough, the name of the piece I sent in for consideration was "A Dandelion for Mr. Ryan". And here I am, about to embark on a hike with a published author named Tom Ryan! Coincidence? Or Divine Orchestration. So many things like this happen in my life...in all our lives....if we notice them. It is a comfort to me to know that there is a Shepherd of my soul in the heavenlies. One day He will gather the remnant, and blissful fellowship between earthlings will happen. I can't wait for that Day (Yom Ha-Hu in the Hebrew. We sing about it at the Synagogue by the Sea.) Meanwhile, onward....by all means! I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and persevere.

Onward.....to this incredible upcoming journey, to overcoming my fears and trepidation, to writing regularly regardless of what comes flying off my fingers on the keyboard, such as this rambling piece where I mention socks of all things. I never know what is on my mind or what I'm going to say. This is a good way to find out. If it interests no one but me, so be it. Admittedly I am self centered and self absorbed, but as Thoreau wrote, "I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience." (Walden)

The narrowness of my experience is about to change....along with the Autumn leaves.

Running Away From Old Age (Part One)

They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. -- Isaiah 40:31

My blog. My poor, neglected blog. It has been many months, almost a year, since I have sat down to write my thoughts and log my life journey. So much has changed, so many updates to make note of, so much catching up to do. Where do I begin? There is something going on in my life right now that I need to sort out. My thoughts are swirling in my head. It seems as if I am living in a dream or a storybook. My life is blessed abundantly, and I need to give thanks.

Speaking of storybooks, I remember a vacation spot from my childhood in the White Mountains of New Hampshire called Story Land. In October, I have the opportunity to hike in its environs, to stand on a mountaintop, taking in magnificent views in the peak of fall foliage season, with my daughter......and with Tom and Atticus, celebrities. This is mind boggling to say the least. Denise and I were planning a fall foliage trip to New Hampshire, a trek I wasn't sure I could manage due to my timidity, what ifs, and fears, not to mention health concerns with chronic fatigue, etc. Of course, I wanted to go very badly, but I don't drive by myself long distance, I don't take airplanes, I don't do anything beyond a 60 mile radius these days. My comfort zone is Culver, and I have been quite content to enjoy everything there is to enjoy at my nearby paradise.

And enjoy is what I've been doing. So busy enjoying life that I have not had time to write. I've been running with Dana Neer's Run Class. I've been paddleboarding with my son on lovely Lake Maxinkuckee, I've been learning to swim again, thanks to Sandi, my triathlon coach. I've been rowing with Guy Weaser's Row Class (and hoping to one day row in a crew boat (skull). Life is good, and I am happy. I am still enjoying my job taking care of my girls in Linden/Ithaca/Deck 6 dorm.

Peter is back in my life after a months long hiatus last fall. That is a story in itself. Another incredible turn of events and perspective. I still don't know quite what to make of the whole relationship/friendship, and it is not like it used to be, but it is on a pretty good track for now. We are both too busy to communicate as much as we used to, but it is a comfort to have someone to share things with on occasion. He will always be a "significant other" in my life. Platonic friendships are a good thing. Having a friend is a great blessing in life.

I have "real life" friends now. Maybe not close friends, but friends that I enjoy being around. Most of them are associated with Culver. I feel as if Culver is my community, and I am an integral part of this wonderful community. I still feel blessed to be there and treasure my job, even when it is hard and exhausting sometimes. Most days it just feels like I'm going to my second home and "playing house" all day. I don't mind the housekeeping chores; having 90 or so "daughters" is a little much sometimes, but I enjoy watching them go off to class and sports activities and equestrian events.....such as practicing for the Presidential Inaugural Parade. I accompanied them through town in the pouring rain last winter, totally enjoying myself and remembering how I felt when people watched me ride when I was their age. The kids are such an inspiration to me. I live on inspiration. And I find plenty of inspiration associated with Culver Academies. I feel like a kid again myself. I watch them play, and I want to play. If they can row in crew, why can't I? If they can run, why can't I? Just because I'm 64, do I have to be old? No! I'm running away from old age! I hope to stay active and get more fit and enjoy my "sunset years" as they are sometimes called. I recently found a blurb online about Cora Snow, my riding instructor from Blue Hill Riding Academy days. She was still riding on trail rides in her 90's!

"How did I get so old?" I remember Uncle Leo used that expression. In his mind, he was still young. Bodies age, but we are still who we are. I tend to think of myself as perpetually 14. Fourteen forever! That was probably my favorite year. I enjoyed Junior High, I enjoyed Tandi, my favorite horse and special friend. Life was good. This year is the 50th anniversary of my best year. Jubilee!

Speaking of Uncle Leo, I look forward to returning to Mashpee, MA for a nostalgic visit in October, on a side excursion on my way to New Hampshire. My sister Joanne called me recently....another blessing, as I hardly ever hear from her. She and her husband just bought a house on the other side of John's Pond, where as children we used to wander around looking for frogs. I vaguely remember that...only I don't think I was catching frogs. I was daydreaming about riding a pony there....and there was one kid who had one. I was so jealous. But my make believe ponies and horses were very real to me, and I was usually riding them when other kids were looking for frogs, etc.

This jumbled memoir is a start in returning to writing, and it is due to the influence of Tom Ryan and his memoir, Following Atticus, that I resume this passion. I thoroughly enjoyed reading his book, reminiscent a bit of Thoreau. It is inspirational, in ways I need to try to express in my next installment, along with an update concerning my reconsidered spiritual life. I can't believe I'm going to meet a famous writer and "a little dog of some distinction" and hike with them in the mountains during peak foliage season (along with 20 others chosen for the Gratitude Hike). I can't believe I'm actually going on a road trip by myself to get there. But this is where the LORD is leading me in His Divine Providence. I am grateful to my daughter, Denise, whose Grace-filled courageous and positive attitude towards the personal challenges in her life is rubbing off on me (an attitude that has made quite an impression on Tom as well). I am looking forward to our adventurous mother/daughter time together in October.

Onward, by all means!