Overcoming Aversion

To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the Tree of Life which is in the midst of the Paradise of God. (Revelation 2:7)

It has been many months since I have updated this blog. I seem to have developed an aversion to blogging/writing and I don't know why. I used to love to write and journal my experiences, thoughts, and ponderings. What happened?

Today at breakfast I thought about using almond milk for my cereal but suddenly had a strong aversion to opening up the new container, even though I like almond milk. It occurred to me that this feeling of "aversion" happens quite often in various contexts, such as when I plan to do some housework, or go somewhere, or do something I normally enjoy such as working with my horses. The "aversion syndrome" usually prevents me from doing what I should be doing. I hate the "dread" feeling I get, but then I often feel like I cheated myself out of a blessing and I feel defeated. It occurred to me that maybe this was satanic interference and that I should overcome it. Yeshua's words came to mind about the importance of being an overcomer. So I got real brave and opened the carton of almond milk and poured it on my cereal. Ha, it wasn't that hard after all. I enjoyed my breakfast and jotted down some notes in my notebook about other aversions in my life and how I needed to overcome them. If I could pour the almond milk, could I blog?

It is a quiet Sabbath at home. Pat went fishing/canoeing with friends and I have the house to myself for a welcome change. No TV blaring, no distractions, a perfect opportunity to write. Only problem is I have no idea what to write about. I don't seem to have any passion or enthusiasm these days, for anything, or anyone. I'm not depressed, but maybe a bit bored with my life. Everything is going fine. I have no complaints. Well, maybe one. I wish I had more energy/vitality. I am grateful that I can get through my 40 hour workweek, enjoy running, walking, paddleboarding, hiking, socializing, etc. Yet most days I run out of steam by 3 or 4 pm and I'm in bed for the night at 6 pm totally exhausted. I wish I could get some things done after work, play with my horses, read a book, do some housework....but my eyes won't stay open and I find I cannot take another step. Is this normal for people my age? I realize I may have some internal issues going on, but I feel well other than the debilitating chronic fatigue. I have not taken so much as a tylenol in two years. I avoid toxicity, including foods that are toxic to me, stressful situations and people, and this has resulted in good health overall. I have a good energy level much of the day until "the crash" comes in the afternoon. When I'm done, I'm done. It happens less frequently than it used to, but it still hinders my productivity and pleasure.

I am training for an upcoming 5.5K trail race, Mash the Creek, at Potato Creek State Park on September 20 and am looking forward to this event. I hope I can run it in 40 minutes or less and not come in last. Running has become a lifeline for me, a mood enhancer. If I don't run, I get depressed and negative. I try to run at least a mile most days, or if it's too hot to run, I walk a few miles. I lead a Walk Class at work, touring the campus and environs. More often than not, though, nobody shows up. Many would like to do this, but few can find the time. The same with the other classes our Wellness Dept. offers at noon. At the next Wellness Committee meeting, I may bring up the need to address the time constraints on faculty/staff. One teacher liked my suggestion that we all get Friday afternoon off so we can play.

There is a Canoe Class on Fridays at noon that I wanted to do yesterday, but the wind picked up and the lake was too choppy. In May, Pat and I enjoyed a canoe outing on the Tippecanoe River with Dana and a group from Culver. I hope to do that again sometime with family and friends. I had not realized how beautiful the Tippecanoe River scenery is, and so close to home.

In April, May, and June I hiked at Turkey Run State Park. I finally conquered the challenging Trail 3 on my third attempt, along with Denise, Danielle, Austin, and Lexi. Afterwards we enjoyed kayaking/canoeing on Sugar Creek. A memorable time. Pat came with me in April and we paddled a canoe on a perfect day. I hiked alone that time, but couldn't make it up the slippery waterfall rocks. The first time, in April (or was it late March?), I stayed at the cabin by myself and hiked for two days. A mini vacation that I thoroughly enjoyed. There was still snow and ice on the treacherous trails and I found myself scared to death on an icy ledge. Quite an adventure for me.

I also enjoy hiking and running at Potato Creek State Park. Pat came once and we rented kayaks. I enjoy hiking alone most of the time, but it was nice to hike with Denise there last winter. We also hiked at Tippecanoe River State Park. We ran a race together in Culver last November as well. Good times. I wish I had blogged these experiences.

I haven't done much paddleboarding this summer. Dave seems to have lost interest, though we had a couple of short outings together. Denise, Austin, Lexi, and Danielle got to try it in June. Denise and I watched the Lake Max Challenge together. I enjoyed a nice paddle to the town beach and back the other day under near perfect conditions now that the summer boat traffic is gone and the water is calm and clear more often. There were not many days of calm water this summer.

Austin and Kyle are both college students this Fall, Austin at Purdue and Kyle at Vincennes. Where has the time gone?

The Gaza War this summer put the final nail in the coffin of my on again/off again friendship with Peter. Israel's enemies cannot be my friends.

The world situation is very perilous. ISIS is beheading journalists. Islamic wars, atrocities, and terrorism are everywhere it seems. An Islamic Caliphate might be the End Time Beast Kingdom prophesied in Scripture.

I am somewhat adrift spiritually these days, not knowing where to fellowship, even online. Not sure what is going on. I do like Rabbi Jonathan Sacks. I also listen to Chaim Richman (Temple Talk) and Tamar Yonah (Israel National Radio).

I just got an Ipad Mini Retina. I hope to find some new avenues of information/learning/music with the App Store and Kindle reading app. I don't enjoy facebook anymore. I really want to learn Hebrew. I like listening to Hebrew music (Yaakov Shweckey, Yonatan Razel, Mordecai ben David, Baruch Levine).

I hope to get to Potato Creek State Park for a run and hike and to watch the sunset over the lake this evening. The weather is cool for a change. It would be a nice way to end this Shabbat. If only I can overcome the aversion/fatigue that I suspect will attempt to dissuade me. I must remember to recite the verses on the importance of being an overcomer!

Update: I managed to run a mile in my woods but I did not feel up to a trip to Potato Creek today. It was all I could do to overcome my aversion to doing anything. I think I may be fighting a virus or something. But I felt good about at least running a mile. It is amazing how so little does so much for me. And now I'm going to overcome my aversion to blogging, by publishing this poorly written piece. At least I tried.

In Six Days......

Written on Sabbath 2/15/14
9 am

Today's torah portion (Ki Tissa) includes these verses in Exodus 31:12-18

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak thou also unto the children of Israel, saying, Verily My sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between Me and you throughout your generations: that ye may know that I am the LORD that doth sanctify you. Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Wherefore the children of Israel shall keep the Sabbath, to observe the Sabbath throughout their generations, for a perpetual covenant. It is a sign between Me and the children of Israel for ever: for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day He rested, and was refreshed. And He gave unto Moses, when He had made an end of communing with him on Mount Sinai, two tables of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God.

I'm feeling very much alone in my convictions these days. I don't have anyone in my circle of friends/family who regularly communicate with me who believes in Six Day Creationism and proves it by keeping the Sabbath day holy. It is troubling to learn that my grandchildren have been swayed to the Evolution camp. It is troubling that my friend who now calls himself a brother still does not believe in Six Day, Young Earth Creationism, but believes in a novel interpretation of Genesis 1 expounded by John Walton and others. He also has not found it possible in his life situation to keep Shabbat. It is troubling that ffoz gives him cover for trampling the Sabbath with its "Optional for Gentiles" Sabbath stance. Sometimes I feel like forsaking facebook altogether; it is such a grief. It has become easy to eschew it on Shabbat. I don't miss it at all; a welcome respite.

I have been listening to Yair Davidiy via youtube lately concerning the Lost Tribes. I heard of him years ago through Chris Josephson (Bible Light) and wanted to read The Tribes, but it was out of print at the time. My interest in this topic is renewed, so I may read this book and study the topic more in depth. I also heard this week about a legendary river called Sambatiyon that is rather fascinating. Both Yair Davidiy and a Rabbi named Eliyahu Kin talked about it from different perspectives on their youtube channels. I have been convinced for many years that I am an Israelite, and consider myself Jewish in my affiliation. It is a lonely journey for this "ugly duckling", and I have yet to land in a welcoming Hebraic "swan pond."

I have become interested in bird watching lately. We filled our feeders and attracted chickadees, sparrows, red headed woodpeckers, blue jays, cardinals, tufted titmouse (titmice?) so far. The goldfinches have not yet returned to the niger seed feeder at my kitchen window.

Last Sunday I drove to Potato Creek State Park and traversed Trail 4 on my snowshoes. It was very quiet and serene in the woods. I was not cold unless I stopped moving. I wore snow pants so I did not get snow in my boots. The trail had been blazed by others so it was not too taxing. It was a good workout though. It took me an hour and a half to make the two and a half mile circuit. I saw two other snowshoers and encountered one young male hiker in boots who said hello. People on trails are very helpful and friendly in my experience so far. One older snowshoer guy struck up a conversation with me as he rested on a park bench on the trail and gave me some snowshoeing tips. He planned to be out on the trails until sunset, including Vargo Hill. My Trail 4 trek was enough for me. I was tired afterwards. I drove to the Nature Center and may have seen a snowy owl flying low on the trail that leads to the mountain bike trail. Snowy Owls have been spotted all over northern Indiana and Michigan this winter. Do they think this is the Arctic? I can understand their confusion. The snow depth is at least two feet this year. If it melts too fast we could have flooding. There were a few sledders and snowboarders on the sledding hill, and it looked like people had been on Trail 1 with cross country skis near the Nature Center (which was closed). I may try cross country skiing next year.

I only had one "down day" this week. Tuesday I had to go home early from work and sleep the rest of the day. I have not taken what I consider "toxic medicine" (Tylenol, etc.) for at least a year now. If I'm sick all I can do is take colloidal silver and sleep. Epsom (magnesium) baths once a week are helpful, along with B complex vitamins, occasional half Iodoral tabs, daily Sea Aloe in my breakfast juice, and the best remedy, exercise. This severe winter weather has impacted my fitness activities quite a bit. Rowing Class has been suspended due to the frigid mornings, and I haven't been running with the group since the class moved to Tuesdays this month. Nobody seems interested in winter hiking in this weather, so yesterday I walked to the horse barn and visited each horse individually in their stalls and picked out a few favorites. I think Jonkers and Thomas are my favorite Friesians. Buster and Frosty are two thoroughbred types I would consider riding. I did not see my old pal Jackson. I wonder if he is out to pasture or gone altogether. I wonder if I will ever actually ride a nice Thoroughbred or Friesian at Culver. I need to be ready for the opportunity if it comes. I need to work with my own horses, get Martha trained, get someone to help me (Culver instructor that is small?), ride Misty regularly, get the barn and tack in some semblance of good order for visitors, and get myself fit. I need more stamina. I only have so much energy, and when it is gone I am done for the day.

The sun is shining this Sabbath morning. I saw the beautiful full silvery moon in the western sky before sunrise. Time for breakfast and turning out the horses in the woods. Later I'll walk the dog in the woods on my snowshoes and hopefully this afternoon Pat and I will go for a Sabbath day's journey to the Nature Center at Potato Creek State Park and check out the birds at the feeders and in the park. I bought the annual pass last Sunday. Maybe Pat and I could enjoy bird watching as a hobby together. Maybe he could do some nature photography while I hike the trails. It would be nice if we could find a common interest. Maybe we'll go late in the afternoon and see the sunset! Nice way to close out the Sabbath.


Update - Sunday morning 2/16.....

Well, Sabbath afternoon did not go as planned. "Sudden Sick Syndrome" came upon me and I slept most of the day. It is very frustrating not to know why this happens or when it will happen. I feel fine one minute and "sick" the next. I cannot figure out what triggers it. It seems as if my body has to detox from time to time. I'm going to try abstaining from all foods that might possibly be toxic to me for one week and see what happens. There was nothing I ate yesterday that should have affected me. I'll keep a food diary.

Overnight I listened to Rabbi Eliyahu Kin's youtube teachings on Evolution and Creation. It was good to hear a Jewish perspective similar to mine.

I stayed off of facebook yesterday and did not miss it at all. Even after Sabbath ended I chose not to go there. I finally checked it out after midnight when I woke up. Denise posted about hiking in San Antonio. Good for her!

Excerpts from The Sabbath (Abraham Joshua Heschel)

Shabbat
8 Adar
2/8/14


Today I abstained from Facebook and attempted to sanctify the Sabbath, to keep it holy. "Be ye holy, for I am holy," saith the LORD, in today's Bible reading (Leviticus 19:2) and also in 1 Peter 1:16. I felt like I should take the "no commerce on Sabbath" prohibition to its logical extension -- no commercial advertising, thus viewing no web page that contains this distraction, including Facebook.

Facebook is an electronic "town square" where dialogue and news of the day takes place, but it is also a venue for commerce, increasingly so to my dismay. It is also a place of profound grief sometimes, a place to become aware that friends and loved ones are trampling the Sabbath underfoot as they shop and go about their worldly pursuits, disregarding the holiness of the day. This is the LORD's Day! -- a day to rejoice and be glad, the day He refers to repeatedly throughout Scripture as "My holy day"!!!

By 9 am, after reading my chapters and the Torah portion (Tetzaveh) in my beloved KJV (where I encounter the LORD in a manner that just does not happen when I read other versions of the Bible) I began to experience the sanctity of Sabbath, especially while reading and underlining portions of the wise words of Abraham Joshua Heschel. I finished reading his wonderful book, The Sabbath, about 11 am and then went for a 20 minute snowshoe walk in the woods to meditate on what I had read. Soft snowflakes descended from "a grey snow sky, the gift of Adonai." Winter is truly a wonder this year. Did I ever blog the lyrics to this song I wrote to Yanni's music years ago?

Snowshoeing, by the way, is a great cardiovascular activity and a great way to experience the winter scenery. There must be two feet of snow in our woods, so this is the best way to traverse the trails. Next year maybe I'll try cross country skiing once I master maneuvering in these. It is quite easy actually. It is just walking, with poles for additional support and balance. I thoroughly enjoy this activity. The energy expended and metabolism boost prevents me from feeling cold. I do need gaiters though to keep the snow out of my boots. I tried snowshoeing at Culver yesterday along the lake shore, breaking trail from the motel to the Library in spectacular sunshine, blue sky, 13 below zero wind chill weather. Other than one ear getting wind blasted, I stayed warm. I should have double-hatted it, or put up my hood. My Buff was transformed from face mask to emergency ear warmer. My left ear turned red and hot as my blood supply came to my rescue and saved me from frostbite. Lessons are being learned before I venture out on a longer trek on Trail 4 at Potato Creek State Park, hopefully tomorrow afternoon.

Today's Sabbath journaling will consist of passages I marked, underlined, and especially liked in this little book by Heschel:

"The duty to work for six days is just as much a part of God's covenant with man as the duty to abstain from work on the seventh day." (p. 28)

"The seventh day is the armistice in man's cruel struggle for existence, a truce in all conflicts, personal and social, peace between man and man; a day on which handling money is considered a desecration, on which man avows his independence of that which is the world's chief idol. The seventh day is the exodus from tension, the liberation of man from his own muddiness, the installation of man as a sovereign in the world of time. In the tempestuous ocean of time and toil there are islands of stillness where man may enter a harbor and reclaim his dignity. The island is the seventh day, the Sabbath....." (p. 29) [my thought: I wonder if the prohibition against kindling a fire on the Sabbath day refers to staying out of arguments and eschewing discord! Maybe it is a word picture, a metaphor for conflict.]

"The Sabbath is no time for personal anxiety or care, for any activity that might dampen the spirit of joy." (p. 30)

"The idea that a seventh part of our lives may be experienced as paradise is a scandal to the pagans and a revelation to the Jews....the Sabbath is the fountainhead (ma'yan) of eternity......Unless one learns how to relish the taste of Sabbath while still in this world, unless one is initiated in the appreciation of eternal life, one will be unable to enjoy the taste of eternity in the world to come....Eternal life does not grow away from us; it is "planted within us" growing beyond us....The essence of the world to come is Sabbath eternal, and the seventh day in time is an example of eternity. (p.74)

"There is much that philosophy could learn from the Bible. To the philosopher the idea of the good is the most exalted idea. But to the Bible the idea of the good is penultimate; it cannot exist without the holy. The good is the base, the holy is the summit. Things created in six days He considered good, the seventh day He made holy.....The law of the Sabbath tries to direct the body and the mind to the dimension of the holy. It tries to teach us that man stands not only in a relation to nature but in a relation also to the creator of nature. What is the Sabbath? Spirit in the form of time. With our bodies we belong to space; our spirit, our souls, soar to eternity, aspire to the holy. The Sabbath is an ascent to the summit. It gives us the opportunity to sactify time, to raise the good to the level of the holy, to behold the holy by abstaining from profanity." (p. 75)

"We usually think that the earth is our mother, that time is money and profit our mate. The seventh day is a reminder that God is our father, that time is life and the spirit our mate." (p. 76)

"All sages agree, we are told in the Talmud, that the first feast of weeks on which the Torah was given fell on the Sabbath. Indeed, it is the only day on which the word of God could have been given to man." (p. 82)

"According to an ancient legend, the light created at the very beginning of creation was not the same as the light emitted by the sun, the moon, and the stars. The light of the first day was of a sort that would have enabled man to see the world at a glance from one end to the other. Since man was unworthy to enjoy the blessing of such light, God concealed it; but in the world to come it will appear to the pious in all its pristine glory. Something of that light rests upon saints and men of righteous deeds on the seventh day, and that light is called the additional soul." (p. 88) [my thought: YESHUA is that Light!]

"All our life should be a pilgrimage to the seventh day; the thought and appreciation of what this day may bring to us should be ever present in our minds. For the Sabbath is the counterpoint of living; the melody sustained throughout all agitations and vicissitudes which menace our conscience; our awareness of God's presence in the world." (p. 89)

"Nothing is as hard to suppress as the will to be a slave to one's own pettiness. Gallantly, ceaselessly, quietly, man must fight for inner liberty. Inner liberty depends upon being exempt from domination of things as well as from domination of people." (p. 89)

"In a moment of eternity, while the taste of redemption was still fresh to the former slaves, the people of Israel were given the Ten Words, the Ten Commandments. In its beginning and end, the Decalogue deals with the liberty of man. The first Word--I am the LORD thy God, who brought thee out of the Land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage--reminds him that his outer liberty was given to him by God, and the tenth Word--Thou shalt not covet! reminds him that he himself must achieve his inner liberty." (p. 90)

"In ancient literature, emphasis is expressed through direct repetition (epizeuxis), by repeating a word without any intervening words." (p. 90)

"The Torah, whenever we study it, must be to us "as if it were given us today." The same applies to the day of the exodus from Egypt: "In every age man must see himself as if he himself went out of Egypt." (p. 98)

"An instant of returning to God may restore what has been lost in years of escaping from Him" (p. 98)

Joy in the Journaling

Adar 1
Shabbat
2/1/14 7 am

Thank you, LORD, for bringing healing yesterday and last night. Strength and health are restored, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It's a new month, a new chapter. I need to write my thoughts on my blog each Shabbat. John wrote on the Isle of Patmos on Shabbat, the LORD's Day (Revelation 1:9). The Bible always refers to Sabbath as the LORD's day (Genesis 2:3; Exodus 16:23; 20, 31, 35, Lev. 23, Deut. 5, Isaiah 58:13, Ezek. 20, Luke 6:5, etc.) The "Church" very early went astray and deviated from Torah, the instructions of God. Nowhere in Scripture is there any indication that the LORD's day changed to Sunday. Anyway, I have no problem with writing on Sabbath, though others may.

Thank you, LORD, for Joel Allen (Messianic Family Fellowship, NY) for podcasts that helped turn the tide for me last night. His views were similar to mine, his sermon was edifying and reassuring (Terumah 2/16/13) and he used lots of Scripture from the KJV. I miss the KJV. I am going back to reading it today. The Complete Jewish Bible (David Stern) can be a reference, but my primary Bible needs to be the KJV. I treasure the lofty, poetic language and the overall accuracy. There is no better English version. I sense Your leading back to "the old paths" (Jeremiah 6:16). I sense I am back on Your path and out of the tangled thicket I've been in for quite some time. December and January have been rough, spiritually, physically, emotionally....not to mention the frigid weather, which has been like a Judgement on America, a plague, tribulation.

In contrast, the snow today looks peaceful, beautiful, inviting. I hope to play in it today...on my snowshoes, which I enjoy. I hope to get to Potato Creek State Park sometime this month for a snowy trail trek. So far, I've only tried it twice in my backyard/woods.

I have not been running, rowing, or even walking much this winter due to the severity of the weather and my "often infirmities." I hope that is all about to change.

I pray my paddleboards survive the weather being still outside against the Linden dorm wall. Winter came on strong without warning, and I did not get to take them home. I had hoped to paddleboard in November with Denise, but instead of turning warm, it turned very cold. It has been a long, bleak, difficult winter. Is there a message in it? Thank you for keeping us safe through it all.


Daily Bible Reading - Leviticus 1-3 (kidneys, liver)

I pray LORD, heal my kidneys, liver, whatever internal needs complete healing. Refuah Shleimah!

Torah Portion - Terumah (Exodus 25:1-27:19)


Update 4 pm: I did go snowshoeing in the woods this morning with Allie. It was a winter wonderland with snow falling softly all around us. The snow was up to Allie's belly. She got tired and followed my snowshoe tracks after a while. We only went one time around the trail, about a quarter mile, but I had to stop several times due to exhaustion. I wonder if I am getting over a respiratory virus. I feel fine today other than my limited endurance. I did not go to work yesterday because I felt so horrible. At one point my temperature was 95.4. It's back up to about 97 today. I can't even get to 98.6 at my age! The 97 range has been "normal" for me for a few years at least. I can't seem to burn off any chronic viruses that might be indwelling me and wreaking havoc from time to time. Fatigue is still an issue. But I don't trust modern medicine, so I must rely on the LORD for guidance and healing...and I do.

I have been thinking about all the "burst bubbles" and understand now that reality does not burst like a bubble, only fantasies. What is real remains. What is fake, deceiving, pretentious can and does go "poof." Rather than lament the loss and wallow in disillusionment, I should rejoice in the truth. The truth sets us free. The tares are not worth the tears.

Lamentation

O say can you see
By winter dawn's eerie light
Bubbles bursting in air
Better days out of sight.

Not much we can say
Thoughts suppressed, gone away
Take a hike; twas a dream
then a nightmare, yet no scream

No comprendo
Makes no sense
Writer's block
Dissonance

Progress mired
Less inspired
Maybe tired
Prayer desired.

2013 Following Atticus Gratitude Hike: The Trail and the Trek

My backpack with "Virtual FA Hikers" in tow

Arriving at the trailhead in our caravan of cars, we excitedly embarked on our journey. I don't know exactly what time it was when we got started, but I suspect we started later than planned. It was probably sometime after 10 am. The weather was cloudy but mild, ideal really. We wouldn't have to worry about sunburn on the summit for one thing, and the foliage against a grey background made it even more vivid. I discovered when I arrived in the White Mountains on Friday that the area has its own weather system. All day long throughout New York, Massachusetts, Vermont, and part of New Hampshire it had rained almost continually. I wondered how the rain would affect our hike, or if it would postpone it until Sunday. But as soon as the White Mountains came looming into view, the weather changed. It was cloudy but dry. It had not rained here. And, other than a few sprinkles, it did not rain until Sunday thankfully.

The sky seemed a bit gloomy, but the participants were not. Just the opposite. Everyone was full of smiles and excitement. Susan donned a crazy warm hat and made everyone laugh, Russ and his antics and stories provided entertainment all day. I was still "one notch below panic mode" in my inner being due to my nervous temperament but this quest to conquer my self-limiting lifestyle had to be accomplished. I had to "get comfortable with discomfort" and realize that I was "exactly where I was supposed to be." I tried not to fret about my "bad hair day" or not being able to wear the new powder blue in-remembrance-of-my-father fleece jacket I bought for the occasion because it was too warm and I could not fit it in my backpack. I could have worn the cute grey running jacket I did pack, but instead I wore my drab, old, but lightweight and comfy black running jacket that I could easily tie around my waist as I got sweaty. But everyone had cameras and they were snapping pictures. I dread being in pictures. I am not photogenic and am overly self-conscious. I really need to get over myself, and I tried on this trip, somewhat successfully. Michael kindly adjusted my backpack for me, which was sitting too low on my back. It felt much more comfortable higher, but still felt heavy. I had prepared for the hike by wearing the hiking boots on Indiana trails, and wearing a backpack with a few items thrown in for my 2 hour walks, but I had not loaded up the backpack with all the gear I would bring and gotten used to the weight. I discovered that fitness for one sport does not necessarily prepare you to be fit for another. I could run (jog) easily for miles, but climbing a steep hill that keeps going up, up, up relentlessly with a heavy pack on my back, over treacherous roots and rocks was another thing altogether. I was grateful for those who offered to carry my pack part of the way when they saw me struggling. Without the pack it wasn't hard to climb, but with it was a challenge. I was huffing some, needed to rest at times, and got tired. Occasionally I felt a little dizzy and disoriented which surprised me, but I hadn't had much breakfast. I was glad when we stopped for lunch along the way. I enjoyed my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chips, and the very special sweet bread Jenn shared with us. Donna Jean shared homemade chocolate/peanut butter buckeyes with everyone, and the camaraderie between us all was wonderful.

One of my fondest memories along the trail is of Tom reaching out a hand to assist me over the rocky places. Another great memory is of Atticus leading the way in front of us, stopping at a large boulder, and turning his head to look at me. I wondered if I should help him. Tom was behind me and asked Atticus if he needed a boost. Tom gave Atti a helping hand and got him up on that large rock, and he merrily proceeded on his own from there. That was the only time I saw that Atticus needed a boost, as difficult as the terrain was becoming. What a trooper! He seemed to be feeling well in spite of what he has been through with the cancer treatments. It was heartwarming to witness the bond between Tom and Atticus. Best friends forever! I was delighted that Atticus seemed to like me too. I am not particularly a "dog person" and was not gushy with affection towards him. I did not have pockets full of treats as did others. But Atticus M. Finch seemed to give me his stamp of approval and accepted me into his discriminating circle of friends. He gave me a memorable gift, a poignant display of his uniqueness, when he came near me on the summit of his own volition and then hopped up right behind me onto a boulder to "summit sit" and gaze at the view. I won't forget that moment.

I never heard a sound from Atticus. He does not bark or whine. He speaks with his eyes and with his "smile". He is otherwise "all business"...a very serious, pensive soul. I've never met anyone like him of any species. It is hard to think of him as a dog. Sure, he's a canine, but he is more than that. It is hard to explain or fathom. I once enjoyed a special bond with an Appaloosa horse named Tandi in my youth. This horse was "more than a horse" to me. He was my special friend and we communicated in a special way, soul to soul. I never knew another horse like him either. It is a rare and precious thing to bond with someone in this way, whether man or beast. (Sometimes I'm not sure which species is the beast!)

I traveled the trail with various walking partners from time to time. The trail started out very scenic and easy to traverse for about a mile or so. I found it very easy going, and Tom remarked about how fast I was covering ground. I was in my element on this portion of the trail. I enjoyed chatting with Russ and others along the way, and especially enjoyed just being with my daughter in the great outdoors. There was pretty foliage, soft pine needles on the forest floor, a scenic bridge over a rocky stream, a fairly wide path that went up and down and around. I was just loving this trail.....but then it got steep. We got to the "mountain climbing" portion. It got so difficult in places that I wondered why Tom had brought us here. What was he thinking? What if these rocks and roots were wet. We would be in peril. Injuries would likely occur amongst us newbies. Even the experienced hikers were relating injury stories. One had fallen recently and hit his head on the rocks, bleeding. This was dangerous, rugged mountain climbing! No wonder Tom had asked that those not up to hiking a mountain not participate. He wanted to show some people what he experiences in these mountains, and it was supposed to be for those who could handle it. What was I doing here, I wondered? What were some of the others doing here who had physical limitations, bad knees, etc. And one was a smoker who had to refrain from smoking all day! Tom had expected some wouldn't make it all the way to the summit. He thought some would rest at a lower elevation, still getting some nice views, and wait for the others to ascend to the summit and return, joining us on the way back. I thought I'd be one of those waiting at a lower elevation. But there were experienced hikers urging us "onward, by all means." We heard "hiker fibs" (as it turned out) that we were "almost there," "just a little further," "right around the next bend." We pressed on, and somehow, slowly but miraculously, we ALL ended up on the Summit.

Summit City?

By this time I was exhausted. I just wanted to sit down and rest. The 360 degree view was spectacular. I wandered around the large rocky summit in awe. The sky was a serious looking grey, although the sun broke through briefly. There was a message in it, but I didn't know what it was. It put me in a somber mood briefly. I asked the LORD, "Why am I here? What is the message?" I had brought a very special little Gideon's New Testament/Psalms that Denise had brought home from school in 5th grade, and I had planned to pull it out of my backpack and read a psalm and spend some quality time with God on top of the mountain (if I made it to the top). But the frivolity of such a large number of people up there did not lend itself to the occasion. Besides our group, many others had made the climb, some with large dogs, including a couple of Chows. I was worried for Atticus when they came along, but there were no dog fights thankfully. There were groups of young people in sandals being silly and foolish, one doing cartwheels up there, and other distractions. Plus, everyone had a camera, and I didn't want to make a spectacle of myself by reading the Bible and maybe being a photo op for someone. I regret my decision though. I should have found a quiet place alone somewhere and did what I set out to do. I don't have the answers yet to my questions, and I missed a potentially meaningful spiritual encounter with the Living God.

I have no idea what time it was when we were ready to descend the mountain after our group photo, or how long it had taken us to make it to the top. The sign at the trailhead stated the distance to the top was 2.7 miles. I could have traversed a flat trail in less than an hour, but it probably took us 3 hours to do this one with all our stops, waiting for others to catch up, and catching our own breath. It was both harder and easier on the descent. Harder, because we had to watch our step very carefully, sometimes walking on sheer rock, sometimes traversing treacherous loose rocks and roots. Again, Tom reached out a hand to help me. He did this for others as well. I was praying that no one would get hurt. It was easier, though, on the downgrade, because we weren't huffing and puffing as on the ascent. And it took less time with fewer stops along the way. I spent most of the time with my new friend Donna Jean from Ohio, the smoker. I had to give her credit for her tenacity in doing this. She is an incredible woman, witty, warm, and personable. We got along well. It started to get darker along the trail and I remembered that darkness descends on the forest before more open places. Would we make it to the trailhead before nightfall? I hoped so. We did not hear anyone up ahead and didn't know how far we were from the others ahead of us. At one point we wondered if we were lost because the trail started going uphill again. I hadn't remembered that the terrain varied like that. But there didn't seem to be any other trail that we could have veered off on so we kept going. Others were quite a ways behind us and I feared some would not make it back before dark. I prayed for them and hoped they remembered to bring flashlights or headlamps. I knew experienced hikers would have been with the slow ones, but I wasn't sure which ones they were. I knew Tom and Atticus were well ahead of us somewhere. Donna Jean and I joked that we would have been satisfied with a short walk on the easy stretch of trail to the scenic bridge and back. Why did he have to take us all the way to the top of a difficult mountain to climb? We were getting very tired at this point and a little nervous about being alone in the forest as night descended. We were not completely alone, as another small group was behind us a little ways. As it turned out, Tom and Denise arrived at the parking lot only 3 minutes before we did, but at the time we felt alone. It was nice to be "alone" though. I noticed more about the scenery than on the way up. It was very beautiful and peaceful in these woods. We stopped on the scenic bridge for a bit. I had hardly remembered it. I must have been engaged in frivolous conversation at the time. I remember Russ and I and some others were sharing stories about our pets from our hippie days, including reminiscing about my cat Osley who was thrown off the top of a 5 story building by a crazed hippie on LSD. He had 3 broken legs and a broken nose, but Angell Memorial had fixed him up and he survived.

Finally we arrived back at the trailhead at dusk. We were never so glad to see a parking lot. The others were milling about talking about the need to change the dinner reservation to an hour later. I had not planned to attend the dinner anyway. I knew it would be too ambitious to expect anything out of me after the hike than a quick bite to eat and an early bedtime. Some had to leave to get ready for the dinner at the Thompson House Eatery, but some of us remained to wait for the other hikers.

Atticus was sleeping in the front seat of Tom's car. I joined him in the back seat using my backpack for a pillow. I was so tired...and cold. I see why we needed to bring additional clothing. After sunset, the temperature dropped significantly. I wished I had been able to pack my fleece jacket, but my grey one over my little black jacket sufficed, along with my winter hat. I got to watch Atticus drink water from his cup in the cupholder and mentioned to Tom that he needed more. I prayed that the others would make it back okay and was gratified to hear the sound of applause and praise from Tom and the others when they did make it out safely after dark. What a day! What an adventure! What an accomplishment for us all! We got into our cars and traveled back to Jackson. We had to make a stop at Rachael's house to pick up Will, and I was thrilled that Tom chose to put him on my lap in the back seat. At one point, Will snuggled with his face in my armpit. Sweetest dog I ever met.

Finally we got back to the Inn. I realized that I was feeling very comfortable and that the nervous "one notch lower than panic mode" feeling had dissipated somewhere along the trail. It had been a day of transformation. In spite of the difficulties, or maybe because of them, I had conquered a mountain in more ways than one.

View from South Moat Mountain on 10/5/13

2013 Following Atticus Gratitude Hike: Breakfast at RiverWood Inn

I got a good night's sleep, after not sleeping much the night before, but 5:00 am came quickly and I climbed out of bed. I felt like a little girl getting out of this antique twin bed because it was so high. The bedding was luxurious, the comforter soft. Denise slept soundly in the other bed. I peeked out of the blind and all was dark outside. My usual practice at home is to spend the first hour of the day with the LORD, reading the Bible and writing in my journal. I had to rush this special time and just read one chapter instead of three. I happened to be in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) in my thru-the-Bible reading. I thought about how often Yeshua (Jesus) resorted to mountain settings. I thanked the LORD for my safe arrival in NH and prayed for safety for everyone and a good day on the mountain. A quick shower came next, and then the decisions. What to wear, what to bring. Denise and I hardly had room to turn around because we both brought huge suitcases, not knowing what kind of weather we would face. As it turned out, neither of us used 90% of what we brought. We definitely overpacked! The weather was pretty mild. I couldn't decide if I should wear the hiking pants or the hiking shorts, so I wore both. I figured if it got too warm, I could shed a layer. I started stuffing my small backpack with extra socks, clothes, hat, gloves, sunglasses, headlamp, flashlight, rain jacket, fleece jacket, Bible, etc. and then wondered how I was going to fit my two 32 oz bottles of water in there, along with my 24 oz Camelbak water bottle. Tom had told us we needed to bring plenty of water. He brings 100 oz in a bladder type Camelbak. And where was I going to get the water? This was a bed and breakfast and the hosts were busy preparing breakfast for us all. We ended up filling our bottles from the small bathroom sink. The water was cold, mountain water that tasted great thankfully. My two large Nalgene bottles fit in the side pockets of the backpack. I ended up carrying the smaller Camelbak and sipping it throughout the hike. It turned out I didn't need this much water and it really weighed me down. But dehydration is a danger on mountain hikes so better safe than sorry.

I could not believe how fast time was flying on this entire trip! What I thought was efficiency, getting ready for the day, turned into a mad rush as other hikers started arriving downstairs for the group breakfast. I met Laura first, on the porch, and introduced myself. It was neat to recognize "strangers" from our private facebook page. We had all gotten somewhat acquainted beforehand. So the greetings between us were comfortable and not awkward. As more and more hikers arrived though, it became a buzz of activity and excitement. Some brought gifts for everyone, thoughtful little bags of goodies. I was overwhelmed by it all. I hadn't been so thoughtful to even think of bearing gifts, other than the trinket for Tom that we all brought for the basket we would present to him. Mine was a Culver Academies soft beach towel with flowers on it. I thought of it as a "Will blankie" knowing Will liked flowers. I had also purchased funky blue plastic sunglasses with flowers on them in honor of Will, who likes flowers. Of course he can only smell them, not see them, but it was my way of thinking of him, the dog I admired as an overcomer. I needed to be an overcomer also, in many aspects of my life, especially when it came to leaving my comfort zone and normal routine and embarking on this road trip and adventure of a lifetime.

I met Roy, the local radio personality, and asked him to remind me to change into my hiking shoes before we left, as I was wearing my regular running shoes for breakfast and did not want to end up on the mountain rocks without the right gripping soles. He joked that he would be sure to take on that responsibility of reminding me. I never know what I'm going to say to people. Sometimes I'm shy, sometimes I'm too bold.

I met so many people that morning it was confusing to keep their names straight in my mind and where they were from and their stories from facebook. I was getting one mixed up with another. Finally we all sat down to breakfast. It was fancy. A pineapple and rice concoction, and a quiche in a fluted cup. I should have mentioned beforehand that I don't eat ham/bacon, but the question had been "do you have any food allergies." The coffee was in a french press and very good. Tom was presented with a walking stick that Michael had carved all of our names into along with a picture of Atticus and the map logo from the book. It was beautiful. Such a great moment. The new "mystery hiker" sat at my table. Her name was Jenn, from Worcester, MA, and she was a great addition to the group.

We were presented with lovely gift bags from Tom and our Gratitude Hike t-shirts. Many of us decided to wear our beautiful shirts, including me. One of the gifts Tom gave me was a writing journal. I will treasure it. He is the most thoughtful man I've ever met. The beautiful sunflower design gift bag included an autographed White Mountain map like the one that appears in the book, fancy chocolate from the Bavarian Chocolate Haus (the chocolate dog bone was cute!), blueberry jelly, hiker keychain, scenic calendar, MountainEar Magazine, and a Mountain Wanderer hiking hat (which I wore). Someone gave me a button/ribbon representing the virtual hikers from the FA page that we were taking up the mountain with us. I attached it to my backpack. Was it Erica who gave me this? It was a blur of excitement and activity at the Inn that morning and my recollections are jumbled. Everyone was milling about outside enjoying Will and Atticus, taking photos, having conversations. I was too busy to socialize much, trying to get myself ready. I remembered my hiking shoes, decided I had no room for the fleece jacket and packed a lighter one, and wore my little black running jacket over my base layer shirt and the Gratitude Hike shirt. It was time to get in some cars and follow Tom to The Local Grocer where several would pick up their lunches. I brought two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I made in my room very quickly. We also needed to stop at the Vet (Rachael) to drop off Will for the day. I got to ride with Tom and Denise, Will and Atticus! How special was that! Both dogs rode up front with Denise, but I got to hold Will on my lap on the way home. And then it was off to the trailhead at South Moat Mountain!

......to be continued