This is Day 7 of "sitting shiva" for a dead friendship. I don't feel any better, so I'm attempting "writing therapy." Maybe I need to share my thoughts, with myself if no one else.
A dead friendship is worse than losing a loved one through death. I have fond memories of those I have lost through death. And hopes of someday being reunited. But a dead friendship is more grievous and harder to get over. The former friend is still living, still being a friend to others.........but no longer to me. I have lost hope for reunification. Anything is possible, but after several gut-wrenching episodes of "death of a vision" over the course of the past five years, the final nail in the coffin seems to have been hammered in with blunt force. "Get lost" still rings in my ears, along with worse words I try in vain to erase from my memory.
How did it come to this? I cannot comprehend it. I cannot sort out the tangled mess. Why does he hate me? We used to be so close. Why would differences of opinion ruin a relationship?
This is not the first instance of rejection by religious people in recent years, just the most painful, because the bond was so strong, long lasting, emotionally and spiritually intense and vital, ...and the end so unexpected.
I was banned from a Messianic forum after spending hundreds of dollars to be a member of "the club" for a number of years. That hurt. Subsequently, a controversial topic I posted about became the final straw in the closing down of another beloved forum. That hurt even more. I was devastated, as TR had become my lifeline. Members had warned me that "forum friends" were not "real" friends and I should not get too attached to the people I was dialoguing with. But they were real to me, very real. I needed these "friends" in my lonely, isolated world. I had no "real" friends at the time, nor fellowship opportunities.
Eventually I did discover a somewhat local fellowship opportunity. It was through facebook that we connected a couple of years ago. I thought I had found "the swan pond" I was searching for. It was wonderful for awhile, but differences became apparent as time went on, the drive was a long one, and communication difficulties arose. Issues could not be resolved because discussions via email or other written forms of communication were discouraged and/or misunderstood. It almost seemed like I had to "pay to play"....put $30 of gas in the tank, drive three hours on Sabbath, and feel uncomfortable about speaking up in front of everyone about something that would be taken as criticism. I felt more and more alienated from the direction the group was heading. I wanted to remain "a friend from afar" and abide by my personal convictions (which by now included not driving on Sabbath) but not showing up for the head count was increasingly resented. Being a facebook friend was not an acceptable alternative and a few days ago I was faced with imminent "defriending". More rejection.
There must be something wrong with me that elicits such strong repulsion when I express my views. I must be oblivious to my insensitivity and offensiveness. Yet relationships at work seem to be going well. Culver is now my lifeline.....a place of acceptance and appreciation for diversity. "Exclude.....we don't do that here" is our motto. I have been welcomed to participate in the Jewish Prayer Service on Friday evenings.....and I loved my first experience with it. The Hebrew singing sounded heavenly, with Asian student voices mingled in with the ethnically/culturally Jewish. Leading the service is a capable young guitar-playing Conservative cantor from South Bend. HaMotzi and Kiddush brought insight into Yeshua's words, "this do in remembrance of Me", all of us partaking of the one bread and the wine. I enjoyed praying with a Hebrew/English Siddur. I wondered if this concept was borrowed by the Catholic Church, as it reminded me of the Latin/English Missal I used to use at Mass. I plan to attend again next week...and often. My Jewish dorm girls and their moms have been very encouraging to me. Maybe this is where I belong for a season. Maybe this is "the swan pond". I did see the two swans on the lake, seemingly directing my path. Everyone says it was very unusual to see swans on this lake. It even made the local newspaper. There they were, one day only....in front of the "Synagogue on the Sea" (aka Naval Building)
Will I eventually experience rejection once again if I make my views known or fail to meet expectations? For now, I have a glimmer of hope in my heart.
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